Some days are harder than others. Some days it all comes to a head and you realize that your heart is still broken. I guess Cobe and I will always have these days. They seem to be especially hard on Sundays. It's been nearly 2.5 years since Jack finished up his brief mission here on Earth. It wasn't long enough, and no amount of time before mine or Coby's would ever suffice as to long enough. He took more than just his spirit with him when he left. Tonight I long to just hold him and cry. I just want to look into his blue eyes and touch his soft baby skin. Tonight my heart hurts. I just want it to stop. I want to be better. All.the.way.better. I try, believe me I try hard every single day to to be strong. I try my best keep it together. I try to listen to the Lord when He told me to "Get to work." But tonight I'm not strong. Tonight my tears have soaked my shirt. I'm happy that it's Sunday because we're all home together. And I suspect Jack is close.
I won't ask WHY. I won't wonder What if? He's gone and I've come to terms with it, but tonight my pain feels fresh. I do not like days like this. It's raining outside and I feel mocked because of it. Sometimes it's hard to know that life does in fact go on. Seasons change. Children grow. And part of me wishes it would just stay still. But then the other part of me thinks...HURRY...the faster time goes, the sooner I'll be able to see him.
Tonight I miss him more than I could ever say. But typing out the hurt somehow makes me feel a tiny bit better. My eyes are swollen, my shirt is wet and I'm starting to get cold. So, I'm off to warm my corn bag, have Coby hold me close and most of all ready to let this day be over. Tomorrow will be better. Maybe the Lord will bless me with a memory of my Jack in a dream. It doesn't usually happen, but here's to hoping!