Sunday, March 06, 2011

Some Days....Sundays?

Some days are harder than others.  Some days it all comes to a head and you realize that your heart is still broken.  I guess Cobe and I will always have these days.  They seem to be especially hard on Sundays.  It's been nearly 2.5 years since Jack finished up his brief mission here on Earth.  It wasn't long enough, and no amount of time before mine or Coby's would ever suffice as to long enough.  He took more than just his spirit with him when he left. Tonight I long to just hold him and cry.  I just want to look into his blue eyes and touch his soft baby skin.  Tonight my heart hurts.  I just want it to stop.  I want to be better.  All.the.way.better.   I try, believe me I try hard every single day to to be strong.  I try my best keep it together.  I try to listen to the Lord when He told me to "Get to work."  But tonight I'm not strong.  Tonight my tears have soaked my shirt.  I'm happy that it's Sunday because we're all home together. And I suspect Jack is close.  



I won't ask WHY.  I won't wonder What if?  He's gone and I've come to terms with it, but tonight my pain feels fresh.  I do not like days like this. It's raining outside and I feel mocked because of it.  Sometimes it's hard to know that life does in fact go on.  Seasons change.  Children grow.  And part of me wishes it would just stay still.  But then the other part of me thinks...HURRY...the faster time goes, the sooner I'll be able to see him. 

Tonight I miss him more than I could ever say.  But typing out the hurt somehow makes me feel a tiny bit better.  My eyes are swollen, my shirt is wet and I'm starting to get cold.  So, I'm off to warm my corn bag, have Coby hold me close and most of all ready to let this day be over.  Tomorrow will be better.  Maybe the Lord will bless me with a memory of my Jack in a dream.  It doesn't usually happen, but here's to hoping! 

9 comments:

Natalie said...

oh my sweet friend. i can't imagine and wish you didn't know the pain. sending you lots of love and prayers of good dreams tonight;). love you tiffany! you're one amazing little mama...

Posh Petals said...

Tiff! Love you. I wish I could take away your pain. xoxo Amber

Nygards said...

I just found your blog from the angel blog. Your son is so cute. I am sorry for your loss and hurt. My thoughts are with you.

Sara Lou said...

I'm sorry you had a hard(er) day. I can't imagine the heartache that you have to swallow in order to keep going. You and Coby are so amazing. I hope I get to watch the film clip of your life when you get to run to that little boy and give him the biggest and longest hug. We are all excited to hug him...one day.

Lance Bettie and Calista said...

I think about you guys daily... and pray for you often.
all the love from us to you.

Anonymous said...

My sweet little girl,
If I could just take your hurt away and wished you never had to go through all this pain, I wish I could take your pain as well. I look back while reading the scriptures (I am reading the New Testament) and read about what our savior went through and then I think of his mother and how she must of felt and to have seen him go through all that pain, and then to have died for us so that we can go back home to live with him and our family. I am so Thankful for the gosple and the things I know about the church, I am so glad we are sealed together as a family in the Temple and we can all be with him agian our savior and our family. I can't wait to get hugs from our savior and our sweet Jackson and to tell our savior thank you for all the love he had for me and our family and friends,and all of our loved ones we lost here on the earth I love you so much sweetie!!! I am so happy that you love to have me there with you and the boys to hang out with you and do fun things with you and your family. I am glad that you need me and love me!! Love you, Lady

Lanae said...

Hey beautiful girl, You've been on my mind... talked to your mom today and told her to give you a big hug from me. Just know that I'm always, always, always here for you (you know this - I know!) but when you're having those exceptionally rough days I'm always here for you. Love you my dear. Little

abbyandcompany said...

You do need to realize....you ARE amazing. I'm so sorry and sad that you are hurting. I can't even imagine how you feel. But the Savior does. We are so lucky to have the gospel. You are in my prayers. And Coby too. I think you two are an amazing team. XOXO.

Sommer said...

I am sorry that it was a bad day. I wish I was there for all of them. I wish we could go running for all of them. I love you!!