Thursday, July 31, 2014


I love this little boy SO much!!!
Today we had a little scare.  Cole loves to play inside the Enclave.  He loves to walk around in back of the car, climb over the seats, push buttons and sometimes just get into his carseat and point to the Ipad in hopes of watching a movie.  It's summer and so letting him play in the car makes me nervous...but as long as I'm with him and the doors are open, I'm okay with it.  I always leave the hatch open, but today I left the driver's side door open and Cole's door open.  As I was sitting in the driver's seat taking a follow up call from the dental insurance person, I noticed that Cole has somehow locked the doors.  I tried to push the unlock button, but for some reason, it didn't work.  I had a thought that I must have left the keys in the car and would need to find them to unlock them.  I glanced around to find them, and assumed that they must be in the backseat someplace and that I'd find them in second.  I had to run into the house to grab a pen so I could write down some information from the insurance lady.  Without thinking, I must have pushed Cole's side door closed, leaving Cole and the driver's side door open.  I ran into the house, grabbed the pen and ran back out to the car.  In that span of a few seconds, Cole had managed to close the driver's side door.  It didn't dawn on me until after I hung up with the lady a few minutes later, that Cole was locked inside the car.  And while it was not terribly hot inside the car because it had been in the garage, it was still summer.  And it was still hot.  I called Coby and during the phone call realized that he didn't have the spare keys...they were lost.  And then it really hit me...Cole is trapped and I don't know what to do.  I was completely alone and that's when the real panic started to set in.  I immediately tried EVERYTHING I could to get him to unlock the doors from pushing the button to pulling up the lock.  Nothing worked.  I said a prayer.  I prayed like crazy begging the Lord to help me and not let this end like Jack.  Coby came home and tried his best to open the car, but nothing worked.  I finally called OnStar in hopes of them opening the car door, but since we didn't renew our contract with them...there was nothing they could do.  So, they called 911 for us. The police got there and unlocked the door in a second.  Coby grabbed our sweet, hot and sweaty little boy out of the car and squeezed him tight.  Then I snatched him away and held him close.  So grateful that he was okay.
Now, this may sound a bit over dramatized, but I was scared.  We could have easily have just broken a window and rescued him ourselves.  I could have called 911 the second I realized that I couldn't open the door.  But I panicked.  Part of me started reliving that "day" in September almost 6 years ago that changed our lives forever.  I didn't want to face Coby and see his look of disappointment.  He doesn't usually ever give me a look like that...but I've seen it.  And I don't EVER want to be on the receiving end of it.  It can literally shake me to my core.  I know how lucky I am that he loves me enough to forgive me for that horrible day 6 years ago and hold my hand and carry on. He loved Jack as much as I did and still do.  How he could even look at me afterwards is sometimes still hard to believe.  He could have hated me.  But he chose not to, and instead hold my hand through it all. I struggle with this alot.  I blame myself.  I live with the guilt every day.  I won't allow myself to truly feel the depths of that despair because I know where those feelings come from and I know that they are unnecessary.  They can do no good.  They only bring pain and who likes pain....Satan.  I've allowed myself to visit those depths once...and I vowed NEVER to return there again.  But I also know that while we have lost a child...we are NOT exempt from losing another.  I know it's a possibility and I pray that the good Lord in his judgement won't ever ask us to do it again.  And if He does, that it's not on my watch.  I don't know that we could recover....that I could recover from it.  
Coby wants another baby and I really don't want to go through another pregnancy again.  My reasoning is 100% completely selfish because I know.....I really do KNOW,  that we have a little girl up there.  I know because I used to dream about her.  Coby's even seen her in the temple shortly before we met (she was a cute little girl with blond hair that threw her arms around his neck in the celestial room and said, "Hurry Daddy!")  I know she's there.  The Lord has confirmed it, as well as Jack.  But my real reasoning for not wanting more children...I'm scared that I'll fail as a mother.  I'm scared that I can't handle more than I already have.  And then I'm reminded that I couldn't even keep Jack because of my deficiencies as a mother.  (Again...I know where those feelings come from.)  But when the chaos of three boys get to me and things like having Cole get locked inside the car on a summer day or Jaden running onto 13th West at 5pm rush hour (both at 20 months old ironically) ... I begin questioning how capable I really am.  These little boys mean more to me than anything in this whole world.  I would walk through fire for them and jump in front of a train to spare them without thinking twice.  But the more pressure I feel to have one more c-section, one more recovery, 1 more year of up all nights....the more scared I become.  I'm already a nervous wreck every time Corbin is 2 minutes later walking home from the bus stop (literally 6 houses away).  Part of me doesn't want them to do anything that may have a bad and in my head, irreversible outcome.  I know that I can't shelter them and I have to let them learn and grow through trials and mistakes, but it is SO hard for me.  Losing Jack has really made me gradually turn into a crazy control freak.  It's really become a problem especially in the past year and a half.   I have to have things a very specific way...MY way.  Cleaning the house is a huge problem for me and really for Coby any time we leave town because I want it spotless....I'm talking clean baseboards clean.  I'm so bad with accepting change and accepting new things.  I don't like that this is the person I am becoming.  I don't want to be the kind of person that acts like this...especially to my family....the ones I love more than life!  I want to change this...I just don't know how.  I don't even know where to start.  I wonder if I should have gotten more help after we lost Jack.  Is it too late?  Will I always feel broken?  I sometimes feel like my life is spinning out of control and no one can even see it.  I feel broken.  I feel incapable.  I sometimes feel completely alone. I feel overwhelmed and don't know how to fix my problem.  I want to scream that I need help...but feel like no one can even hear me. 
Please understand that most days are NOT like the last paragraph...but when scary things happen...that scared, crazy neurotic Tif immerses.  I don't like her and I wish she would go away....maybe when "someday" comes....she'll disappear forever!

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Happy Birthday Mac-Attack

Happy Birthday to this handsome little stud!
 I can't believe he's 9!!!  Where on Earth has the time gone??!!  It feels like a few months ago that he joined our family.  
 He loves to be active in all sorts of ways!  Be it on his scooter or skateboard at the skatepark...
 Golfing his his dad and Pooch...
 Doing flips on a trampoline...
 And even shooting a BB gun at Bear Lake!
 I love this crazy firecracker of  a kid! 
 He wants to be like his dad more than I could ever say.  He's Coby's buddy at Jazz games...
 Mountain Biking...
 Hitting the slopes...
 But he's most known for being a goofball....and as you can see he has an admirer!
 And as much as Corbin teases Jaden (who coincidentally is flipping the camera off), they still snuggle like this most nights. 
 He's always willing to sit down and play with between all the teasing!
 Jasmine has a special little place in his heart and he always finds her and rubs her little puppy ears!  She LOVES every second!
 This year for Corbin's birthday, he chose the present over the party.
 Coby find him a Samsung Tablet.  And he couldn't have been more thrilled!  ***YIPPEE....another electronic....*** 
 Since Cobe's and Corb's birthdays are only 3 days apart, they usually share a cake.  I didn't have a we had to improvise with a 7 and a couple of start candles!  :)  Corb was a little quicker at blowing his candles out and I couldn't seem to catch him blowing them out fast enough!

I sure love this Corb-Mac-a-Doodle!  He does a GREAT deal of teasing...but when he's not doing that, he's such a GREAT kid!  He's sensitive, kind, witty, funny, smart and very determined when puts his mind to something.  He does NOT like germs of any kind and is frequently washing his hands.  He won't drink or eat after anyone...which is smart, and also a little annoying!  He has a tender heart and does NOT like when I drop the occasional swear word.  He loves to read Diary of a Wimpy kid books.  He loves to play football and is constantly asking to play competitive football.  He is a natural at sports and they seem to come pretty easy for him.  He sometimes seems a little too focused on money and how much things cost or how much money he can earn by doing certain chores.  He usually spends his money before it's even in his hands, but is happy to share his profits with his little brothers and friends.  He HATES emptying the dishwasher more than any other job!  He likes to run and is always asking me to set up the treadmill.  He has the STINKIEST feet EVER!  He doesn't like to wear his winter coats and would rather wear basketball shorts and a hoodie.  He's GREAT in Math and spelling.   I always get compliments on how well behaved he is at other people's houses.  I was told by another mother that she overheard Corbin standing up for her son in a situation that he could have sat idly by.  That touched my heart.  When he cries...he tries his best not to show it by blinking alot.  He has such a HUGE heart.  He looks up to his dad more than anyone, loves golfing with his Poochie and misses his Poppy terribly.  I am sure Jim is proud of him.  Happy Birthday buddy!  We love you so much and hope that age 9 will bring about lots of fun and adventures!

Monday, July 14, 2014

When it's kid #4

Ya....this happened tonight!  What's he doing you ask?  Well, he's eating sugar off the cement steps in Honey's backyard.  So...we did what any good parent would do...we took a picture!  :)  And that's how you know you are on kid #4!

Tuesday, July 08, 2014

Cowabunga Bay with my boys

This year we bought passes to Cowabunga Bay.
The boys are loving it! 
Cole can even go down waterslides....although...I'm not sure he LOVES them entirely yet!

Friday, July 04, 2014

Happy Forth of July!

Happy 4th of July!!
I love this country we live in!  Love the freedom , the colors, the festivities and the chance that I get to hang out with our family all day long!
Coby finally hung Poppy's flag.
We woke up bright and early and headed down the street for a little parade and breakfast with our ward.
South Jordan Fire Department was there too!
Jaden felt like a little stud as he sat in driver's seat of the Firetruck!
Later that day we headed to Coby's work party at the Stadium of Fire!  We missed our Little Cole.  Maybe next time buddy!
We all wore matching company t-shirts.  We loved that they were red in a predominantly BLUE part of town! 
And who was girl Carrie Underwood!  SO EXCITING!  I love her!  I love that she's got a rockin' voice AND morals!
There may have been kissing....
And tickling...
And selfies...
But listening to her sing....I was in Heaven!
And then Coby handed me some ice cream!!  What could be better than spending the 4th of July with most of my cute little family, watching my favorite girl Carrie Underwood and eating burnt almond fudge ice cream??!!!  NOTHING!!  I'm going to regret the ice cream this late at night....but it's totally worth it!!

The Stadium of Fire did NOT dissapoint with their Firework show!  It was like a Grand Finale the entire time!  SO many fireworks!  Wish we would have stayed a little longer to enjoy them!  Thanks Property Solutions for flippin' the bill!
The next morning, we packed up and headed up to Bear Lake.  Corbin wanted to be in charge of a few fireworks...I have a feeling he as a little pyro in his genes!  THANK YOU COBY!
Watch out....
I love the old piano at Bear Lake!  Cole was mesmerized when it started playing by itself!  
Three brothers...  One singing (Jaden), one curiously watching (Colie)  and the other, (Corbin) probably thinking of his next prank for the other two!  :)

Happy 4th of July!  Such a blesing to live in such an amazing country where we have the freedom to do as we please, worship as we please and know that God had EVERYTHING to do with America being formed.  I wish more people had pride in America the way they should.  Respect is something that is thrown by the way side these days.  People now a days are more concerned with offending each other that they'd rather be politically correct with strangers than to stand up for the God that is responsible for giving them this country and the freedoms that came along with it!  I have the utmost respect for the God-fearing men that risked EVERYTHING to give us the freedoms that we now take for granted.  I still tear up every time I hear or sing the song, "God Bless America", "I'm proud to be an American" and last but not least, our National Anthem.  I truly love this country and feel so blessed EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. to be an American! GOD bless America! 

Tuesday, July 01, 2014

Swim Lessons for Jaden

 I can't believe another year has passed and it's already time for swim lessons!  We always to to Mrs. Lorie and Mrs. Kari every year.  
 This year Jaden had Mrs. Kari and was able to be with the "bigger" kids on the deep end of the pool!  He loved wearing his googles everyday and couldn't wait to jump into the water!
 I tell ya...this kid is a fish!  
Showing us his Ninja jump!  

I certainly love this little boy!  He had swim lessons on his birthday this year and told EVERYONE he saw that TODAY was in fact his birthday and that he was FIVE!!!  He really did a great job!  He can swim the length of the pool (it looks more like a doggy paddle...but hey...he can do it!), float on his back and stomach and can tread water in the deep end.  We are proud of our crazy little fishy!