Panic

I love this little boy SO much!!!

Today we had a little scare.  Cole loves to play inside the Enclave.  He loves to walk around in back of the car, climb over the seats, push buttons and sometimes just get into his carseat and point to the Ipad in hopes of watching a movie.  It's summer and so letting him play in the car makes me nervous...but as long as I'm with him and the doors are open, I'm okay with it.  I always leave the hatch open, but today I left the driver's side door open and Cole's door open.  As I was sitting in the driver's seat taking a follow up call from the dental insurance person, I noticed that Cole has somehow locked the doors.  I tried to push the unlock button, but for some reason, it didn't work.  I had a thought that I must have left the keys in the car and would need to find them to unlock them.  I glanced around to find them, and assumed that they must be in the backseat someplace and that I'd find them in second.  I had to run into the house to grab a pen so I could write down some information from the insurance lady.  Without thinking, I must have pushed Cole's side door closed, leaving Cole and the driver's side door open.  I ran into the house, grabbed the pen and ran back out to the car.  In that span of a few seconds, Cole had managed to close the driver's side door.  It didn't dawn on me until after I hung up with the lady a few minutes later, that Cole was locked inside the car.  And while it was not terribly hot inside the car because it had been in the garage, it was still summer.  And it was still hot.  I called Coby and during the phone call realized that he didn't have the spare keys...they were lost.  And then it really hit me...Cole is trapped and I don't know what to do.  I was completely alone and that's when the real panic started to set in.  I immediately tried EVERYTHING I could to get him to unlock the doors from pushing the button to pulling up the lock.  Nothing worked.  I said a prayer.  I prayed like crazy begging the Lord to help me and not let this end like Jack.  Coby came home and tried his best to open the car, but nothing worked.  I finally called OnStar in hopes of them opening the car door, but since we didn't renew our contract with them...there was nothing they could do.  So, they called 911 for us. The police got there and unlocked the door in a second.  Coby grabbed our sweet, hot and sweaty little boy out of the car and squeezed him tight.  Then I snatched him away and held him close.  So grateful that he was okay.

Now, this may sound a bit over dramatized, but I was scared.  We could have easily have just broken a window and rescued him ourselves.  I could have called 911 the second I realized that I couldn't open the door.  But I panicked.  Part of me started reliving that "day" in September almost 6 years ago that changed our lives forever.  I didn't want to face Coby and see his look of disappointment.  He doesn't usually ever give me a look like that...but I've seen it.  And I don't EVER want to be on the receiving end of it.  It can literally shake me to my core.  I know how lucky I am that he loves me enough to forgive me for that horrible day 6 years ago and hold my hand and carry on. He loved Jack as much as I did and still do.  How he could even look at me afterwards is sometimes still hard to believe.  He could have hated me.  But he chose not to, and instead hold my hand through it all. I struggle with this alot.  I blame myself.  I live with the guilt every day.  I won't allow myself to truly feel the depths of that despair because I know where those feelings come from and I know that they are unnecessary.  They can do no good.  They only bring pain and who likes pain....Satan.  I've allowed myself to visit those depths once...and I vowed NEVER to return there again.  But I also know that while we have lost a child...we are NOT exempt from losing another.  I know it's a possibility and I pray that the good Lord in his judgement won't ever ask us to do it again.  And if He does, that it's not on my watch.  I don't know that we could recover....that I could recover from it.  

Coby wants another baby and I really don't want to go through another pregnancy again.  My reasoning is 100% completely selfish because I know.....I really do KNOW,  that we have a little girl up there.  I know because I used to dream about her.  Coby's even seen her in the temple shortly before we met (she was a cute little girl with blond hair that threw her arms around his neck in the celestial room and said, "Hurry Daddy!")  I know she's there.  The Lord has confirmed it, as well as Jack.  But my real reasoning for not wanting more children...I'm scared that I'll fail as a mother.  I'm scared that I can't handle more than I already have.  And then I'm reminded that I couldn't even keep Jack because of my deficiencies as a mother.  (Again...I know where those feelings come from.)  But when the chaos of three boys get to me and things like having Cole get locked inside the car on a summer day or Jaden running onto 13th West at 5pm rush hour (both at 20 months old ironically) ... I begin questioning how capable I really am.  These little boys mean more to me than anything in this whole world.  I would walk through fire for them and jump in front of a train to spare them without thinking twice.  But the more pressure I feel to have one more...one more c-section, one more recovery, 1 more year of up all nights....the more scared I become.  I'm already a nervous wreck every time Corbin is 2 minutes later walking home from the bus stop (literally 6 houses away).  Part of me doesn't want them to do anything that may have a bad and in my head, irreversible outcome.  I know that I can't shelter them and I have to let them learn and grow through trials and mistakes, but it is SO hard for me.  Losing Jack has really made me gradually turn into a crazy control freak.  It's really become a problem especially in the past year and a half.   I have to have things a very specific way...MY way.  Cleaning the house is a huge problem for me and really for Coby any time we leave town because I want it spotless....I'm talking clean baseboards clean.  I'm so bad with accepting change and accepting new things.  I don't like that this is the person I am becoming.  I don't want to be the kind of person that acts like this...especially to my family....the ones I love more than life!  I want to change this...I just don't know how.  I don't even know where to start.  I wonder if I should have gotten more help after we lost Jack.  Is it too late?  Will I always feel broken?  I sometimes feel like my life is spinning out of control and no one can even see it.  I feel broken.  I feel incapable.  I sometimes feel completely alone. I feel overwhelmed and don't know how to fix my problem.  I want to scream that I need help...but feel like no one can even hear me. 

Please understand that most days are NOT like the last paragraph...but when scary things happen...that scared, crazy neurotic Tif immerses.  I don't like her and I wish she would go away....maybe when "someday" comes....she'll disappear forever!