Stage 1: DenialThis is the stage where you see your butt as quite simply the "same" as it has always been...BEFORE you ever thought about having kids! It's called "pregnancy" goggles...or "Beer" googles, and believe me...I WORE MINE RELIOUSLY!! It's the type of goggles used to see yourself where you look freakin' AMAZING! You see your butt as what Jennifer Lopez deemed just about as perfect as a butt can be and insured hers for 8 million dollars! :)
Stage 2: Shock
This is when you see pictures post pregnancy and finally realize that you weren't as cute as you remember. It's when you go to put on those little size 2's and you look in the mirror to see the "damage" and wonder how long it's actually "been" like that! Have I really been walking around with this "THING" following me this WHOLE time??!!
Stage 3: Anger
Okay, Okay...Fine so it's not exactly the same butt you seem to have "dreamed" up as REAL!! It’s not the same butt....so what!. It's way more curvy and has a few more divots and new places that sweat. Worst of all...it seems to FOLLOW you around EVERYWHERE!! Stupid, obnoxious butt with your tag along best friend...aka...cellulite! Um....I wonder if it's possible to get a restraining order to prevent it from constantly stalking you?
Stage 4: Depression
RATS! It turns out you CAN'T get a restraining order against a larger, more protruding part of your own body! And if you even think about telling people about your rather JUSTIFIABLE request... people laugh at you. Which in turn makes you cry. Afterall...who actually enjoys being laughed AT! RUDE!!! So what that you are nine months postpartum and the jeans you wore up until the day you delivered look better THEN than they do now! And the fact that you are 3 pounds HEAVIER NOW than the day you came home from delivering a 7.2 lb baby boy! Those lying liars who said “nine months on, nine months off” must have gotten to keep their original cute butt. You know who you are...LANAE, WHIT and APRILL!!
What am I complaining about?!! I am a healthy, strong, fun-whitted girl capable of ANYTHING!! I'm not just some "hot body"...I have a brain....(if you're laughing at that last statement...then I secretly holding up three fingers...read BETWEEN the lines and guess which one's for you?!!) I've read more books than I can count that tell me just what an "asset" I am to society. I co-created life! I'm "Ashton Kutcher...I'm awesome!" And yet…this butt...SIMPLY REFUSES TO HIT THE ROAD!!
Stage 5: Guilt
Stage 6: Fear
It's not for certain, but I may have a newly discovered disease called..."Flesh Expanding Butt Disease"...FEBD for short. It’s fairly rare and not many people are even aware that it's out there, but if you get FEBD, statistics show that your derriere will eventually consume your entire body, preventing you from leading any sort of a normal life. And the worst part of all...scientists/doctors have yet to find a cure for this cruel, cruel disease! In fact, the only advice doctors have given is to head to TJ Maxx buy a bunch of sweatpants.
Stage 7: Acceptance
If you know me...you know that I try to find SOME ray of hope...my new butt does come with a few good features.
1. It’s easier to close the car door now.
2. Corbin definitely has something to hang on when I'm at Smiths.
3. And last but not least...Coby likes it...I think.
In short...I think this new "growth" may just be growing on me...quite literally in fact!
Donkeys kill more people each year than than car crashes and sharks. So...watch your A**!!