Sunday, April 18, 2010

The 7 stages...

Hiney, Caboose, Trunk, Booty, Bum, Tushy, Fanny, badonkadonk, Derriere, Rear End, or even the famous Arse...call it what you want but when does it go back the way it "used" to be??!!

Stage 1: Denial

This is the stage where you see your butt as quite simply the "same" as it has always been...BEFORE you ever thought about having kids! It's called "pregnancy" goggles...or "Beer" googles, and believe me...I WORE MINE RELIOUSLY!! It's the type of goggles used to see yourself where you look freakin' AMAZING! You see your butt as what Jennifer Lopez deemed just about as perfect as a butt can be and insured hers for 8 million dollars! :)

Stage 2: Shock

This is when you see pictures post pregnancy and finally realize that you weren't as cute as you remember. It's when you go to put on those little size 2's and you look in the mirror to see the "damage" and wonder how long it's actually "been" like that! Have I really been walking around with this "THING" following me this WHOLE time??!!


Stage 3: Anger


Okay, Okay...Fine so it's not exactly the same butt you seem to have "dreamed" up as REAL!! It’s not the same butt....so what!. It's way more curvy and has a few more divots and new places that sweat. Worst of all...it seems to FOLLOW you around EVERYWHERE!! Stupid, obnoxious butt with your tag along best friend...aka...cellulite! Um....I wonder if it's possible to get a restraining order to prevent it from constantly stalking you?

Stage 4: Depression


RATS! It turns out you CAN'T get a restraining order against a larger, more protruding part of your own body! And if you even think about telling people about your rather JUSTIFIABLE request... people laugh at you. Which in turn makes you cry. Afterall...who actually enjoys being laughed AT! RUDE!!! So what that you are nine months postpartum and the jeans you wore up until the day you delivered look better THEN than they do now! And the fact that you are 3 pounds HEAVIER NOW than the day you came home from delivering a 7.2 lb baby boy! Those lying liars who said “nine months on, nine months off” must have gotten to keep their original cute butt. You know who you are...LANAE, WHIT and APRILL!!


Stage 5: Guilt

What am I complaining about?!! I am a healthy, strong, fun-whitted girl capable of ANYTHING!! I'm not just some "hot body"...I have a brain....(if you're laughing at that last statement...then I secretly holding up three fingers...read BETWEEN the lines and guess which one's for you?!!) I've read more books than I can count that tell me just what an "asset" I am to society. I co-created life! I'm "Ashton Kutcher...I'm awesome!" And yet…this butt...SIMPLY REFUSES TO HIT THE ROAD!!


Stage 6: Fear

It's not for certain, but I may have a newly discovered disease called..."Flesh Expanding Butt Disease"...FEBD for short. It’s fairly rare and not many people are even aware that it's out there, but if you get FEBD, statistics show that your derriere will eventually consume your entire body, preventing you from leading any sort of a normal life. And the worst part of all...scientists/doctors have yet to find a cure for this cruel, cruel disease! In fact, the only advice doctors have given is to head to TJ Maxx buy a bunch of sweatpants.

Stage 7: Acceptance


If you know me...you know that I try to find SOME ray of hope...my new butt does come with a few good features.
1. It’s easier to close the car door now.
2. Corbin definitely has something to hang on when I'm at Smiths.
3. And last but not least...Coby likes it...I think.

In short...I think this new "growth" may just be growing on me...quite literally in fact!

**interesting fact**

Donkeys kill more people each year than than car crashes and sharks. So...watch your A**!!

19 comments:

Jake and Jessica said...

Tiff- you are too funny. I am pretty sure I have it worse than you. In fact I know I do, since I have never fit in size 2 jeans.

Laurie said...

HILARIOUS! And so true--for ME, not YOU! I've still been working on getting my baby weight off--you know that baby I had over 20 months ago... (you're just at 9 months--give it time). The other week I got the stomach flu and didn't have anything in my system for days. I couldn't resist--I stepped on the scale. And WOOHOO! I had done it! I had finally gotten down to my pre- baby weight! Too bad it only lasted until I started eating more than Saltines and water...
You look amazing, by the way!

abbyandcompany said...

Did Coby write this? Be honest.

Melanie said...

All I can say is twice in the past two weeks Zoe has mentioned (as she followed me out the door)1. My bum was moving way to much in my pants and 2. My bum had WAY to much jiggle to it. I'm not sure I can take that kind of honesty. You look fabulous, bum included I've never even visited a size 2. What I do want to know is how or why some women, Whit, Lanae, my friend Kath or Heather and even my SIL who's baby is al of 3 months, why does their baby weight fall off so fast and how is it that I know some girls that are skinnier after having babies than before. Solve that one and you will be RICH. I mean you are a Rich but you know what I'm saying :)

Mama Jo said...

Did you mention PATUTTY? Very, VERY clever and something you must have been thinking about for years - with CLEVERNESS galore! Are you going to be my little literary cohort? We'll have fun writing our histories, yes? Love you!
M/Jo

Andrea said...

Tiff whenever I want a laugh-out-loud minute, I always know where I can come!

Anna-Lisa said...

Boy - I can't wait for my after-pregnancy butt. I've lived with flat-butt syndrome for life!

Brittni Schroeder said...

Nerd! If I was there I slap your bum....and you would like it!

lbporrazzo said...

Tiff...loved your butt blog. You are so funny. Too bad it's all true. I think I'm at a stage seven myself...acceptance!!!

Lanae said...

HA!!! I'm going to spank that cute little tooshie tomorrow when I see ya. You, my dear, are not only a HOTTIE, you make me laugh (and everyone else). Thanks for being you!!!

Anonymous said...

Tiff, you are too funny, well as you get older like me the but never leave or should I say it is harder to lose, but maybe if I really really really worked on it I too would hope I lose my big ole butt. you are so little and yesterday you looked so good in your size 2 dress. Coby loves you no matter what your butt looks like. haha! haha! I love you babygirl. Lady

Amy said...

Hi sug, ok, so I was thinking about you because of VT wondering how your doing and It's too early to call, so I check your blog. YOu are so HILARIOUS!!! a liar but hilarious. YOu are so beautiful and I don't know what else you want. Your already in a size TWO sassy girl. love the bangs.. luv u:D

P. Family said...

I hope that laughing this hard will make my Rear a little smaller:)!!

Sara Lou said...

oh Tiffers, you are so funny and clever. I have joined this club of Buttresses you speak of, yes my bum not only is larger than pre-pregnancy but it has all these freaky vein lines across it. Beat that! Lucky for you you'll never catch me in a string bikini and have to experience it first hand!

whoisnell said...

i like this funny venting of butts.. thanks, you speak for many thousands women out there (and some have to live with it since the day they are born)...
hilarious...

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Steph said...

your funny tiff. You know your butt is tiny. On second thought YOU are tiny