Jack - one year out

It's been a year now. A long year to say the least without our sweet little Jack. Sometimes it almost seems surreal. Sometimes it feels like it wasn't real. Like he was just a figment of my imagination. Because something so horrible couldn't happen to us. Then I see pictures and videos of him interacting with us. Showing off that cheesy little grin. Throwing his head back and so angelically laughing and I'm brought right back down to reality again. He DID live. He WAS here. And that dark hole in my heart reopens itself. The dull pain comes back into play. I miss him. I talked to someone new at church today and the question that always comes up is: How many children do you have? I always say that I have 3 boys and just hope that they don't ask me how old they all are, because then I have to say.."Jack WOULD be...." And "would be" leads to....that all too familiar look of confusion and I have to tell them that our sweet Jackie passed away last year. I simply told her that there was an accident and she said to me, "Wow, you are really handling things well." " If you only knew" I wanted to tell her..."if you only knew". I think there is a big part of me that wants to think that Jack's just on his mission (which technically he is...) and that he's just gone for a time...he'll be back. Because thinking of him being gone for good is too unbearable. We do know that we'll see him again. We'll hold our little toe head with that awful cowlick. We know we'll kiss him and be ecstatic to receive those slobbery little kisses again. We know that we're still and eternal family and that Jack is close. We know that he is closer than we know sometimes. We feel him throughout this house. We are thankful that the Lord allows him to visit as often as he does. We know he's busy up there and we try so hard to be strong. Strong for our boys. Strong for each other. But mostly strong for Jack. We know that he can't do the work that he was so needed for if he's constantly trying to comfort us. But the truth is, it still really hurts. It's not quite the physical pain that it was in the beginning, but that dull ache continues to be a part of our new life. We try to put on a happy face and pretend that everything is fine. That we're still the same happy Tif and Cob we once were, but late at night when everyone's asleep we are reminded that there is someone missing. Someone who should be sleeping snuggly in the bottom bunk in what should be Corbin AND Jack's room. We miss him more than words could ever say. We don't want to play the "It's just not fair" card because that doesn't help us feel any better. He's gone and while we know that he'll be back, we also know it won't be for long while.

On the morning of the 1 year anniversary Coby and I woke to see this (above and below pictures). Our entire neighborhood was decorated for Jack. (I still don't know who did it...but we are grateful still the same.) There were light blue ribbons and 8 x 10 pictures of Jack everywhere. They were tied to every tree, every street light and every fence post. When Coby showed me, I broke into tears. Tears of sorrow of course, but tears more of gratitude. Tears because people still care. The Lord never left us alone. He sent angels
that continue to lift us daily. He used our kind and ever willing family, neighbors, friends, bishop and even an apostle to be instruments in His hands. My testimony has been strengthened immensely because of this tragedy. I know that our Heavenly Father knows us very individually. I know that he knows are hearts. He knows our triumphs. And he knows our sorrows. But what I have learned is that He loves us enough to let us get hurt. He loves us enough to teach us by letting go, trusting and believing in our ability to grow from whatever obstacles rear their ugly heads. He knows that we have the ability to overcome such sorrows. He knows that if we will continue to lean on Him, and do our best, He'll do the rest. He'll ease that pain in the best way possible. He'll send those earthly, kind and beautiful angels with a card, a letter, a comfort kit, a listening ear, a warm embrace, a bowl of soup, homemade bread, massage gift certificates, large donations by some that could have helped their family out more, fun clothes, beautiful flowers, a treated lunch, sweet front door decorators, those willing to do a triathlon PREGNANT and nauseous, a willing heart and a good pair of running shoes and a smile to show that He's still here. He still cares. And He wants only the best for us. How grateful I am to Him for loving me enough to cut me back. For loving me enough to mold me into the direction that only He knew that I need to go.

Another gift that was given was by a sweet and beautiful girl in my ward. She is thoughtful and kind and always showing the Lord how much she loves Him by doing things for others. Melissa took time to organize a box of letters from anyone that may know Coby and I. She worked on this for months. She had people write us these beautiful letters that told how our tragedy had helped them in a positive light. I read and cried...and then cried some more. Our hearts were so full of gratitude unto so many people that loved us. That cared about us and still continually think of us. People that took no thought but to serve us in a way that can only be described as Christlike. There were so many beautiful things shared that I could probably recite them on command, I read them so many times. I still read them. One letter told me that she limited the number of entries posted on her blog that were about her beautiful little boy (only 7 days older than Jack) because she didn't want to remind me that mine was gone. Friends that would hold their little ones a little tighter and give extra hugs and kisses because of us. Friends and family that still continued to pray for us and think of us daily. I have about a million thank you cards throughout our house that I am embarrassed to say are still here. And even MORE embarrassed to give them to you now...this late in the game. But please know that I am truly grateful for every single thing that you have done so willingly. Your acts of kindness and Christlike love have NOT be overlooked.

We are eternally grateful to so many. Our family. Our friends. My sweet husband and boys. But are most grateful for such a loving Heavenly Father. We are grateful for the gospel and knowledge that we have of the plan of salvation. We are grateful for the covenants Coby and I made in the Temple. We are grateful that we are sealed as a family with an eternal and unbreakable bond. We are grateful for the knowledge that we know that while Jack's life was brief, he continues to touch people's hearts for good. I think that he is happy to be part of Coby and I. We love our family, our Savior and a truly loving Heavenly Father. May the Lord continue to bless each and every one one you sweet, earthly angels as you continue uplift and inspire so selflessly.