When you have as much drama in this house with a 14 month old, 4.5 going on 13 year old and an 8 year old going on 16...
who needs little girls?!!!
Lately this little guy has been making want to pull my hair out!! As you can see from the picture he's just whining....that seems like all he does these days! He whines to be held, throws tantrums when it doesn't happen and then all the water works start and usually ends up all over the front of my pants. I haven't had to wash my clothes this much in my entire life as I have had to with Cole! By the end of the day they are so loaded with so much crusty snot I want to scream!
I'm not sure what to do to be a good mommy to him. I try to be patient! I do! I really really try! I've even been reading a book called "A mother's book of secrets." by Shawni Eyre Pothie and her mother Lynda Eyre. It's GREAT...if you ever get the chance to read it! It's about finding hope and joy in the trenches of motherhood. I've been starting each day with reading my scriptures and saying my prayers. I have been praying for patience with my kids and to not get caught up in the things that just don't really matter. But...after Coby and Corbin leave for work and school...Hell becomes my life. Cole is so hard. He is a hard baby. Coby says I just don't remember what it was like with the others...but I think HE doesn't remember! I remember it being hard...but not hard like this! I dread going to bed at night because I know that it's just a matter of hours before I have to open my eyes and have this ground hog experience again.
Lately Jaden has been throwing complete tantrums when I drop him off for preschool. The kind of tantrums that involve kicking, screaming and going absolutely limp when his sweet teacher tries to help him. It takes me 10 minutes to get out of there. And then I leave feeling horrible! Horrible because I left him screaming like that. Horrible because I left him screaming like that with his teacher and what she'll have to do calm him down and hope that it doesn't affect the rest of the class.
Corbin is the least of my worries. He's a huge tease...but the second that I am on his level and speaking kindly to him...he's AMAZING! I worry about his reading. I got a letter from the school stating that he wasn't on correct level for 3rd grade. He's really sensitive about it. Each time we talk to him about it...he takes it as a personal insult and that he's not smart. Not at all true! I think he's brilliant! Reading is sometimes hard! I get it! I just want to help him and I don't know where to start! He's struggling with comprehending what he's reading. I worry because his teachers told me that if he doesn't get reading down and I mean really DOWN, he'll feel like he's drowning when 4th grade rolls around. They say that the teachers will expect him to be reading on a 4th grade level and won't take the time to really work with him the way he will need most. It makes me nervous.
I know that this all sounds harsh...but I'm having a hard time finding the joy right now. I am grateful Cole is here and I'd take all this drama and constant whining all day every day forever over NOT. But the thought of having another baby makes me so exhausted...the kind of exhausted you feel when you are so tired and burnt out that you find yourself staring blankly off into space! And when you realize you are doing this...you start wondering how long you've actually been doing it! I don't know if it's because I've been having babies for 9 years now and I'm older and don't have as much energy as I used to. Maybe it's because over the years I've developed a crazy sense of trying to be in control of everything. I want my house perfectly cleaned, things in their correct places. I don't like plans to change suddenly. I don't feel like I'm as fun or the "fly by my seat" kind of girl I used to think I was once was.
What I've come to understand is that nothing is going to be perfect! Nothing is going to go exactly as I have it planned in my head. And I need to come to terms with that. I am learning that it's okay for things to NOT be perfect! The boys aren't going to care about how clean our house was growing up. The things they will remember are the games we played and the books we read together. They will remember the one on one time. The times we spent as a family laughing and having fun together.
I am going to try to let things go...I'm going to try to not care that the kitchen floor isn't swept. I am going to try and focus on my family and how I'm affecting their lives. Am I influencing them for good or for bad? Am I yelling more or talking kindly to them. Is the TV on? Am I letting electronics raise them this week or am I going to be a One on One kind of mom?
I'm choosing the latter....I'm praying for a miracle...because I'm going to need it! But I know that the Lord will not let me down if I'm doing my best. So...here's to trying...and letting things go!