Monday, August 27, 2012

Never-to-be Kindergartner

 Today hasn't been the best of days.  Today Corbin started the first day of 2nd Grade.  It should be a good day...but today is also the day that Jack should start his first day of Kindergarten.  Corb should be showing his little brother the ropes at school today.  Today I should be sad...but not like this.  Because in a perfect world Jack would be coming home at noon today with all the other little Kindergartners.  But he's not going to be coming home.  He won't be going to Kindergarten at all for that matter.
It didn't dawn on me until Coby came home from walking Corb to the bus stop this morning.  He came over to me and gave me a sad hug.  I wasn't very receptive and he gave me a hurt look and headed upstairs.  I didn't realize anything was even wrong until I heard the bedroom door close slowly.  I headed up the stairs and found him sitting on our bedroom chair with his head hung and crying.  And then I knew....only one thing usually get him so low....Jack.  And then I lost it too.  I tried to pull it together and head to my class at the gym with Jadesy...but couldn't do it.  I went as far as the parking lot and had to turn around and head to my moms.
How can he be gone??  He's been gone for so long now.  Almost 3 times as long as he was alive and still it hurts just as much as it did in the beginning.  Not the searing pain it once was...but a dull ache that brings me to my knees.  Coby and I always say, "Everything will be okay in a few years." (not exactly referring to Jack, just life in general)  He said that today, and then we both agreed that it will never be okay no matter how many years pass by.  This black hole in our hearts can never be filled...not with children, not with time...nothing will fill it until we have him back again.  Coby did say that at least we have mostly good days now.  But when "these" days come...they come and hit us hard like a ton of bricks.  
Someday all of this will makes sense and it will stop hurting...but that day isn't today.  Tomorrow will be a better day.  Corb gets home in 15 mins and I can hardly wait.


Melanie B said...

Tomorrow will be better

Amy Saville said...

Tomorrow is usually better but i know what you mean about the ton of bricks and they seem to come out of no where. One minute I'll be fine and then next I can't breathe through the sobs. So sorry for the tough day sending a big hug.

Elizabeth Weldy said...

I know what you mean, though you are ahead of me in the time away from your precious boy, yesterday marked one month since Jaxon passed away. I was a wreck yesterday, a little better today but like you said, I will always miss him and that is what gets me. I don't want to miss him anymore. I just want him back.

Lanae said...

Love you honey. I'm always a quick little phone call away when these days pop up. You know I'd do anything for you. I love you so much. little

Anonymous said...

:(. Love you.