Carving pumpkins "Rich" style

Pumpkin carving IN progress!

  

It's always a treat to head over to Coby's parent's house for the annual Pumpkin carving the Monday before Halloween.  I hate digging all the pumpkin guts out, so I'm usually just a spectator....or a GRAZER whatever you want to call it!  I'm watching and EATING!  :)

Remembering what's important

(Jack's first and last haircut)


I love the lyrics to Jessie Clark Funk's "calling all angels" song:

A quiet voice is calling my name.
I hear you laughing,
but the question remains:
Are you dancing or playing above?
Momma's aching to give you her love.

There's a smile I can't wait to see.
A lullaby that you loved to sing.
Just to know I'll hold you again
is the gift I'll hold until then.

Calling all Angels.
I need to feel something familiar
Something real.
Am I just dreaming?
I close my eyes.
I feel you near, feel you inside.
Just to call your name
and know that you're still there.
Calling all Angels.

I know the plan was having you here.
Sometimes what's best is so unclear.
But baby boy put your hand in mine
as I walk through, the fire refines.

Calling all Angels.
I need to feel something familiar
Something real.
Am I just dreaming?
I close my eyes.
I feel you near, feel you inside.
Just to call your name
and know that you're still there.
Calling all Angels.

Father of us all,
You know the reason that's he's gone.
He's in my heart
and now in your arms.

Calling all Angels.
I need to feel something familiar
Something real.
Am I just dreaming?
I close my eyes.
I feel you near, feel you inside.
Just to call your name
and know that you're still there.
Calling all Angels.
My little Angel.

I look at my little family everyday and think....someone's missing. Someone amazing. Someone that could melt your heart the second that he looked at you. I miss my baby. It's been two years and while they have gone by quickly, they have NOT been filled with the sweet giggle of a little boy that still holds my heart. I miss that giggle. I miss the way he used to look up at me. The way he looked at me the last day I saw him and our souls spoke to each other. It's so hard. Harder than I know how to say. My friend Britt said it best: "It's like losing a limb. It never grows back, but you learn to adjust and function without it." I feel like I've lost my right arm....maybe even my left leg as well. I feel like half of me is cut off and split down the middle. It's hard to adjust. But we do it....on the outside at least. We're NOT okay. We never will be. How can you be when you were forced bury your little boy of 16 months?

(me and my Jadesy baby)

I think I'm like a duck. Calm on the surface...but paddling my feet as hard as I can just to stay afloat. I'm trying my best. I keep myself busy 98% of the time because I HAVE TO. It's too hard to sit and look at pictures or home movies and remember that he was real. That he really did live with us for a little while. I wish I knew all the answers...really KNEW all the answers. Why he's gone? What he's really doing up there? One of my dearest friends said: "I was in the temple the other day and I thought about Jack. I remembered how missionaries take pictures of their families and use them while teaching. I thought of Jack telling all about you and what you are doing to come back. "

I love thinking about that. Thinking about the good Jack's actually doing up there. Instead of sitting here feeling sorry for myself and thinking of all the things I DON'T have, maybe I should be thinking of the things I DO have! I actually have a LOT to be grateful for!!

(3 of 4 of my beautiful boys: Coby, Jades and Corb)

And here they are...all over this post. Coby, Corbin, Jack and Jaden. I still have Jack. He's still eternally belongs to Coby and I...it's just on hold for a bit. I know that I must have been on board with this this decision at some point. Sometimes I think you need to fall on your face and be humbled before you can pick yourself back up and get back in the race. The race of life. We must endure to the end...whenever that may be. I am not yet the girl I want to be when I have the privilege of looking The Lord and my Saviour in the eyes, clean and without fear, rejoicing in their presence. I have a long ways to go. But I know that I can do it. I know that as I rely on my Heavenly Father and put my trust in Him, he'll extend his hands of mercy and help me back to my feet. I know He knows just how hard this is and doesn't expect us to do it alone. So tonight, I need His hands to help pull me back up, because I can't see through my pain and grief and thousands of tears.

(3 of the 4 of my boys: Jack, Coby and Corb)

I miss my Jackie. But I know he is safe. I know he is happy and Can see the big picture. I'm sure he's keeping busy because of all the work that needs to be done there. He must know that the sooner he gets his work done, the sooner he'll get to be with us again. So, to that I say, Go to work baby, I'll see you soon. We miss you. We ache to hold you. But we will endure. We will be together again because WE WILL do our part. I will be the mother I promised to be. We are an eternal family. I remember what's most important. So, I will forget myself and get to work too.

Bear Lake 2010 with the gang

LOVE that little toad!

I just love this tender moment Anne is loving with her little Johnny! I bet she's wishing he'd stay like that forever!

And this baby...Baby Nelson belongs to Lance and Bettie. I don't think I've ever seen a better baby. He was happy 24/7. In fact I'm not even sure I heard him make any sound other his sweet little "coos". As you can see, he's quite a cutie!


When we got there we all just kicked back and chilled. It was nice to just relax and pick up where we all left off. We were missing the Archibalds, but no worries they came the next day for a bonfire.


Lovin'...the Bear Lake Lazy days!

Corbin always wants to be like his daddy and water skiing was no exception.

First things first: put on the skis


And we're UP!


And we're DOWN!

Here's our trusty "flag" holder Scotty to give us the heads up.

There's Coby! How LOWWWW can ya go??!!


There's Lance doing a flip! I know we were all missing his HOT PINK and PURPLE wet suit!


I love this shot of Wade!

I couldn't find one of Brett...so this cute little face will have to represent the Seibs! :) She so cute I could just eat her up! Love that little Sam!

We were sad that we didn't get in as much time with Wes and Mandy as we would have liked. But were happy with whatever time we got. They made it for the bonfire and we had a ball!

Here's cute Bettie with her little "crew" Calista and baby Nelson!


There's the Siebenbergs! Most of them anyway...where's that cute MaKenna??!! :) She must have been playing hard with all the other kids.

Corbin and Scotty were great little friends!

There's Wade and Anne and their little Johnny! So sweet!

We had a ball this year. Wish the Cabin was a tichy bigger so that my cute cousin and her family could have been there too. Maybe next year. The weather was perfect. The company was even more so. We look forward to our Friends' weekend up at Bear Lake. Thank you soooooooo much Momma Jo and Poppy for letting us use the cabin. You're the BEST!

BEST ears award goes to....

I walked outside into the garage and noticed that the back door was wide open. Who "ever" could have done it??

Mom: "Corb...did you forget to close the door?"

Corbin: Mom...I shut MY door... maybe you didn't shut your DAMN door."

Mom: (trying NOT to laugh and hide the grin as I'm getting into the car) "What did you say?"

Corbin: I said, "Mom..I shut my door, but I don't think you shut your door." (with a semi-"I totally got away with saying the "D" word and she didn't even catch me" look

Mom: Did you say "the Damn" door?

Corbin: "Ooooooh, um...ya. I heard you say that yesterday....should I call dad and tell him what you said??"

I can sum it up simply....MANIPULATIVE LITTLE....I probably better stop since his little ears are around and I wouldn't want him to "tell" on me! :) Damn....is it really a swear word?

Missing our baby

Needed to post a smiling picture of Jack because I need to pull myself up today. One day this will all be okay, but it's not going to be anytime soon. It stinks that he's not here and that I have to only imagine what he'd be like growing up in our family. I know all the right answers..."you'll get to raise him, you'll hold him again...you're an eternal family....BLAH BLAH BLAH!" But right now, that doesn't bring me an ounce of happiness. It doesn't even bring me joy for the future, because the future is SO FAR AWAY. What I have is a hole in my heart the size of a planet that will NEVER heal. I don't mean to have a pity party for myself, I just miss my little boy. The little boy that was so easy to love. The little boy that gave a whole lot more than he took. Today I'm struggling. Today I don't want to move. Today I want to hold my baby. The baby that actually liked me. I'd think that 2 years out would be a little easier to deal with, but today I'm right back 1 month out and feel like I can hardly breathe.

If all else fails I do have a few things to make me smile: Coby, Corbin and Jaden for sure. My family and friends, some fancy schmancy toes, a GORGEOUS picture of all three of my boys (Thanks Melissa - I'll post a picture later), a lunch.... Wow, maybe I should stop thinking of what I DON'T have and start naming off what I DO have...because it's a lot. I am grateful. I am hopeful. But every now and then I kind of want to wallow. Today is a wallow day. I'll try my best to put on a happy face, but please know that it will be just that. Under the make up and genuine laughter, about a mile under the surface is a mom and dad that long to be the people they were 2 years ago + 1 day ago. I'll tell you I'm okay...but really I'm not and poor Coby he's the only one that has to see. He's the most amazing person I know and I'm pretty sure I may have bribed Heavenly Father to get him. I hope I'm holding up my end of the bargain.

A couple weeks ago I was having a particularly hard day. I sobbed all morning long. When I knelt for help from my Heavenly Father his words were kind yet firm. He told me pick myself up and get to work. So that's what I'm going to do, I'm going to try and pull it together and get to a spinning class with Kim. Hopefully that will give me a little mood boost. Then I'm going to get myself a big diet coke! Yes I realize it's 8:39 in the morning...but today I don't care.

A few weeks of Firsts!

That's my baby!! My little Kindergartner!!! He started school the day after Labor Day. It was a rainy rainy day...but as you can see from the first picture...he was SOOOO excited despite the awful weather. Coby got a little more emotional than me. I think it'll probably hit me when he starts first grade and he's gone all day. Right now he's home by noon and so it still feels a bit like preschool to me. He LOVES his teacher "Mrs. Tom-a-lin-son" (Tomlinson). He LOVES riding the bus to and from school. It's just so cute to watch him get ready for school with his giant back pack. Oh...he's getting so big! I can hardly believe it!

About a week after school started he felt like he was "OLD enough" to take the training wheels off his bike. Coby and I were a bit leery at first. Coby took the training wheels off and Corb took to the bike like a duck in water. He may have fallen twice...and that's it.

He officially deemed himself a PRO and we couldn't be happier! Again I have to say...He's sooo big!! That's my baby riding a two-wheeler!! :)

What's he doing here you ask? Well, kissing the sidewalk of course! :) He loves to watch Scooby-Doo. On a particular episode he saw Shaggy and Scooby Doo kiss the pavement after a scary bike ride. Monkey see monkey do I guess! :)

Speaking of Monkeys....guess who's about 2 seconds away from walking??!! Jader Bader Butter Bug that's who! :) He's so close...but not quite there YET! I'm guessing he'll officially deem himself a little pro in the next few weeks too! :)

But that doesn't stop him from finding my shoes, bringing them to me and demanding me to take him for a walk in the stroller. THANKS MOM! :) He learned that little trick when my mom tended him when we were on the cruise. It's really quite cute! How can I say NO!??!! :)



He also learned to play the recorder. He was a little sick here, but was don't worry a little "bug" couldn't slow him down. I just love that little toad! :)



It's no secret that I love ice cream...well guess who else loves it too?




I was having a rather off day and decided to melt our worries away with a little help from good old Mickey D's. I got my 32 oz diet coke and he got his first ever kid cone. Let's just say we were both in heaven! :)

And last but not least...our last first and HOPEFULLY our LAST:



Corb gets his first cavity!! NO MORE SWEETS FOR HIM!! :) Pictures coming tomorrow...stay tuned.

Disney Cruise...one last Hurrah!

This year Coby thought it would be fun to take a little Disney Cruise. He's always sworn that going Disney is the way to go. After cruising a few times...he (like usual) was right! It was awesome!!! We had sooo much fun.

We flew into Orlando. When we finally got to the baggage claim we ran into this lovely lady!



She was TREAT let me tell ya! To say Corbin was "anxious" to get off the plane and stretch his little legs was an understatement. When we arrived at the baggage claim...he wanted to sit on the carousal . After telling him to get off it like 56 times, he found a BIG RED BUTTON. What was he "supposed" to do....not push it!!??!! PLEASE...he's 5! So, naturally he pushed the button and the carousal stops and a big loud alarm starts buzzing. The friendly lady you see above really got into a HUFF. After the problem was fixed (3 minutes later) she tell Corbin...."I hope you know what you cost me!" Corbin is so tenderhearted, he starts to cry and buries his little head into Coby's legs. Then she proceeds to tell him that because of "him" she's stuck at the airport for 3 more hours. Coby tells her that she probably wouldn't have had her luggage anyway and that we were sorry he pushed the button. Then she has the gull to say..."I had 4 children. The may have done dumb things...but they NEVER DID ANYTHING THIS STUPID!" I couldn't even find my words, and thank goodness because I'm sure they would have been ANYTHING BUT Christ-like. Coby tells her that she must have been a perfect parent....and then our luggage came. I was so ANGRY! If looks could have killed...I definitely could have killed her! I know...not nice! But like a momma bear...she offended my cub! And I was ready to fight! But it ended up working out because everyone else got their luggage except the Queen of Kindness...so I felt like there was a little sweet justice had! :)



We stayed near in a resort near DisneyWorld (Coby had a conference for work) and even got to go to Dinner with Coby's good friends Kim and Morgan. I can't believe how much their little family has grown. They looked great and we all had a GREAT time.

The next day (Thursday) was my birthday and our first day on the ship.





Doesn' he look GREAT! Honestly....POSER!



Here we are trying doing our life jacket drill.

Coby was kind enough to let me hit a spinning class as soon as we got on. It was okay...but not nearly the butt kicking Kim gives at the gym! I was definitely missing her!



Talk about POSER!!



Love those boys!








Corb wasted NO time getting into the whole swing of things and hopped right in the kiddie pool and water slide. He LOVED it!

There was so much to do on the ship. I think the highlight of the of Corbin's trip was the Kid's Club. Leave it to Disney to create an environment that makes a kid never want to leave. He was so entertained that we'd have to practically drag him out of there. He was in HEAVEN!





One night they dressed kids up to be pirates. And had a special guest help out...see below



This little boy couldn't have been happier!!



Time for bed...and they didn't forget the little chocolates on our pillows. Corbin was loving it! And asked "how come I don't get chocolates on my pillow at home?"

The next day Coby and I had a little spa time. It was AMAZING! We got to use the Rainforest room all day. A room filled with citrus saunas and these heated tiled lounges. It was sooo relaxing. Just what we needed. Quite a treat!






Then we had a little family time and played a little ball on the court.













Even I got in on the fun! I know...shocking!

The Entertainment on the ship was beyond anything I could have expected. The talent these people possessed was absolutely AMAZING!! I could have listened to them all night. I was like 3 nights of broadway quality performances!



He loved getting to meet his favorite buddy Peter Pan.



Here we are waiting to see "Toy Story...the Musical"...it was AWESOME!!!



Then it was off to dinner in the Animators Palate. This room is sweet!



When you first enter the room it's completely black and white.



But as dinner continues and dessert starts, the whole room slowly comes to color. It was sooo cool!

We went to the Bahamas...but decided to just kick it on the ship. You can see Atlantis in the background...maybe next time. Our friends Brett and Camille went there last year and LOVED it!



Just love this shot of Corbin....

The next day we got to go to Castaway Cay...but not before we got all sun screened up!!



Corbin felt like a stud and loves to do his own hair!

We had a little Hermet Crab race and won 4th place. We named our crab Jackie!

Corbin and Cobe had fun playing on the dock....I liked just lounging in the sun!
After we took Corbin to the Kids Club we decided to do a little snorkeling. It's always so fun.

I did have one little scare though. As we were snorkeling I couldn't get that "awful" image of Jack out of my head. I tried and tried to think of something, anything else, but every time I closed my eyes, there it was. Then I'd gasp, sucking in the ocean water and start chocking. After about 5 minutes of this I had a pretty bad panic attack and couldn't breathe. I hate when they come on, because there is nothing I do about them. There I was in the middle of the water back at the "the day". I was supposed to be having fun with Coby snorkeling and seeing lots of fun things. I wish I had a permanent black marker that and could go into my memories and black out the end of that day. I am guessing it will always be there unfortunately. We just miss that little boy. I often wonder what he'd be doing right now. What he'd be saying ,that sort of thing. Would he be difficult or would he would he be pleasing. I like to think the latter. I know he's busy serving and being a great missionary. And I am glad that he's serving, I just wish that he were serving a 2 year mission instead of a lifetime one. Just wish more than anything that he could be here to grow up with our family.



This cruise was amazing! Thanks baby for taking the time to plan it and the desire to want to spend it with us. We had a ball. Thanks mom for taking care of our littlest toad! We sure did miss him! You are the BEST!