Monday, October 25, 2010

Remembering what's important

(Jack's first and last haircut)


I love the lyrics to Jessie Clark Funk's "calling all angels" song:

A quiet voice is calling my name.

I hear you laughing,
but the question remains:
Are you dancing or playing above?
Momma's
aching to give you her love.

There's a smile I can't wait to see.

A lullaby that you loved to sing.
Just to know I'll hold you again
is the gift I'll hold until then.

Calling all Angels.

I need to feel something familiar
Something real.
Am I just dreaming?
I close my eyes.
I feel you near, feel you inside.
Just to call your name
and know that you're still there.
Calling all Angels.

I know the plan was having you here.

Sometimes what's best is so unclear.
But baby boy put your hand in mine
as I walk through, the fire refines.

Calling all Angels.

I need to feel something familiar
Something real.
Am I just dreaming?
I close my eyes.
I feel you near, feel you inside.
Just to call your name
and know that you're still there.
Calling all Angels.

Father of us all,

You know the reason that's he's gone.
He's in my heart
and now in your arms.

Calling all Angels.

I need to feel something familiar
Something real.
Am I just dreaming?
I close my eyes.
I feel you near, feel you inside.
Just to call your name
and know that you're still there.
Calling all Angels.
My little Angel.




I look at my little family everyday and think....someone's missing. Someone amazing. Someone that could melt your heart the second that he looked at you. I miss my baby. It's been two years and while they have gone by quickly, they have NOT been filled with the sweet giggle of a little boy that still holds my heart. I miss that giggle. I miss the way he used to look up at me. The way he looked at me the last day I saw him and our souls spoke to each other. It's so hard. Harder than I know how to say. My friend Britt said it best: "It's like losing a limb. It never grows back, but you learn to adjust and function without it." I feel like I've lost my right arm....maybe even my left leg as well. I feel like half of me is cut off and split down the middle. It's hard to adjust. But we do it....on the outside at least. We're NOT okay. We never will be. How can you be when you were forced bury your little boy of 16 months?


(me and my Jadesy baby)

I think I'm like a duck. Calm on the surface...but paddling my feet as hard as I can just to stay afloat. I'm trying my best. I keep myself busy 98% of the time because I HAVE TO. It's too hard to sit and look at pictures or home movies and remember that he was real. That he really did live with us for a little while. I wish I knew all the answers...really KNEW all the answers. Why he's gone? What he's really doing up there? One of my dearest friends said: "I was in the temple the other day and I thought about Jack. I remembered how missionaries take pictures of their families and use them while teaching. I thought of Jack telling all about you and what you are doing to come back. "

I love thinking about that. Thinking about the good Jack's actually doing up there. Instead of sitting here feeling sorry for myself and thinking of all the things I DON'T have, maybe I should be thinking of the things I DO have! I actually have a LOT to be grateful for!!

(3 of 4 of my beautiful boys: Coby, Jades and Corb)

And here they are...all over this post. Coby, Corbin, Jack and Jaden. I still have Jack. He's still eternally belongs to Coby and I...it's just on hold for a bit. I know that I must have been on board with this this decision at some point. Sometimes I think you need to fall on your face and be humbled before you can pick yourself back up and get back in the race. The race of life. We must endure to the end...whenever that may be. I am not yet the girl I want to be when I have the privilege of looking The Lord and my Saviour in the eyes, clean and without fear, rejoicing in their presence. I have a long ways to go. But I know that I can do it. I know that as I rely on my Heavenly Father and put my trust in Him, he'll extend his hands of mercy and help me back to my feet. I know He knows just how hard this is and doesn't expect us to do it alone. So tonight, I need His hands to help pull me back up, because I can't see through my pain and grief and thousands of tears.

(3 of the 4 of my boys: Jack, Coby and Corb)

I miss my Jackie. But I know he is safe. I know he is happy and Can see the big picture. I'm sure he's keeping busy because of all the work that needs to be done there. He must know that the sooner he gets his work done, the sooner he'll get to be with us again. So, to that I say, Go to work baby, I'll see you soon. We miss you. We ache to hold you. But we will endure. We will be together again because WE WILL do our part. I will be the mother I promised to be. We are an eternal family. I remember what's most important. So, I will forget myself and get to work too.



8 comments:

Ashley Sullenger said...

Very sweet post. Ah, sometimes it's hard to keep that "eternal perspective." Two years seems so far away. I can relate to losing a limb analogy. It feels like a good portion of me went with her.

You have some adorable boys :)

Lanae said...

Hey there sweetie; my heart goes out to you. If I were there I'd wrap my arms around you and give you a big, ginormous hug.
You (and all your boys) mean so much to me.
Love you,
Little

Melanie Bingham said...

I was just about to crash when I had this feeling to check my blog before going to bed for new posts just hoping to find something to inspire me before going to bed. And wa-la there you are. I'm not sure what to say other than I opened the post and saw the very first picture and the tears just started rolling down my cheeks. Just keep a paddling those feet under water and enjoy those moments of happy that those other darling boys bring your way. Take a deep breath and know that it's not okay today, but one day it will be. You're on the right track and you're doing great. I'm sure Jades is so proud of his family. Do ya wonder what they have in heaven to show pictures on? We think i-pads and droids (that was for Coby) are cool can you imagine what Jades has.

The Rich's said...

I love seeing pictures of Jack! He is such a beautiful baby. I think about you so much and am sorry for the sad days that you have. I love you and am always here for you.
Whitney

Katy said...

Love you cute girl!

abbyandcompany said...

I love this post because it's important for you to see that doing the best that you can is really all you can do! Don't be hard on yourself, you are amazing. And we love you. I love that pic of you and Jack, he was so fat! I wonder if he has thinned out any? :) Keep paddling, dear girl.

Sara B. Larson said...

Tiffany - I'm glad I got to meet you tonight at Lanae's party. I've been keeping tabs on your blog every once and a while through Michelle's. I know things have been so, so hard for you and that no one (least of all me) can truly comprehend the depths of pain and suffering you endure. But wow, do you endure it with amazing strength and grace and beauty. I know there are no words I can write or say that will truly help, but I just want to say something. To let you know that people (even ones you barely know like me) pray for you, care about you and your sweet Angel, and your family. To let know that you are an inspiration. Being able to admit how hard it still is takes courage. The fact that you can admit that it's hard, but still have such faith and hope and strength of will and character to power through and try your best to be better, to believe and keep moving foward--that is true inspiration. I want you to know that though it may not always feel like it, you are strong and beautiful and loved. Thank you for being so sweet tonight. I hope you can feel the arms of our Savior holding you together and lifting you up during these hard times. Maybe He's even helping you paddle a little bit. One of the biggest comforts for me during my darkest hours and days is one of my most favorite scriptures. It's in Revelation 21: 4. "And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away."
I dream of the day that God will wipe away all our tears. Isn't that the most loving, beautiful image imaginable? It is for me. I hope it can bring you a small measure of peace and hope. Our prayers remain with you. Thank you for being you and I'm so very sorry for your loss.
Sincerely,
Sara Larson

The Crazy Newman Clan said...

One thing I know for sure is, just as those who are brought into the church by missionaries love and adore and will always be grateful to the missionaries who taught them the gospel, so will those on the other side be grateful for our babes who taught and brought them the gospel. They will also be grateful for US who allowed them to go and teach them the gospel. These little angels, oh they must be hard workers, cause I know I aint up for the kind of work they are doing on the other side! I know it doesn't make you miss Jacks any less, just like I don't miss James any less. . . hang in the beautiful girl. When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and HANG ON! And why don't you Busy yourself with me ever?! I could use a play date with your pretty face.
LOVES,
Michelle Krainich