Thursday, September 23, 2010

Missing our baby

Needed to post a smiling picture of Jack because I need to pull myself up today. One day this will all be okay, but it's not going to be anytime soon. It stinks that he's not here and that I have to only imagine what he'd be like growing up in our family. I know all the right answers..."you'll get to raise him, you'll hold him again...you're an eternal family....BLAH BLAH BLAH!" But right now, that doesn't bring me an ounce of happiness. It doesn't even bring me joy for the future, because the future is SO FAR AWAY. What I have is a hole in my heart the size of a planet that will NEVER heal. I don't mean to have a pity party for myself, I just miss my little boy. The little boy that was so easy to love. The little boy that gave a whole lot more than he took. Today I'm struggling. Today I don't want to move. Today I want to hold my baby. The baby that actually liked me. I'd think that 2 years out would be a little easier to deal with, but today I'm right back 1 month out and feel like I can hardly breathe.

If all else fails I do have a few things to make me smile: Coby, Corbin and Jaden for sure. My family and friends, some fancy schmancy toes, a GORGEOUS picture of all three of my boys (Thanks Melissa - I'll post a picture later), a lunch.... Wow, maybe I should stop thinking of what I DON'T have and start naming off what I DO have...because it's a lot. I am grateful. I am hopeful. But every now and then I kind of want to wallow. Today is a wallow day. I'll try my best to put on a happy face, but please know that it will be just that. Under the make up and genuine laughter, about a mile under the surface is a mom and dad that long to be the people they were 2 years ago + 1 day ago. I'll tell you I'm okay...but really I'm not and poor Coby he's the only one that has to see. He's the most amazing person I know and I'm pretty sure I may have bribed Heavenly Father to get him. I hope I'm holding up my end of the bargain.

A couple weeks ago I was having a particularly hard day. I sobbed all morning long. When I knelt for help from my Heavenly Father his words were kind yet firm. He told me pick myself up and get to work. So that's what I'm going to do, I'm going to try and pull it together and get to a spinning class with Kim. Hopefully that will give me a little mood boost. Then I'm going to get myself a big diet coke! Yes I realize it's 8:39 in the morning...but today I don't care.

22 comments:

Posh Petals said...

Tiff, sending loads of love and prayers your way. You deserve days to wallow,mourn and miss your sweet boy. You are much stronger than I would ever be. Thinking of you!

{Brittany} said...

You are truly one of the most amazing and inspirational women I know. I can't imagine how hard today {and everyday} is for you, but please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Steph K said...

I'm sorry you are having a rough time today. I'm a fellow angel mom and happened to see the date in the directory. There aren't any words in the world to make it easier. I'm sorry!

Sara Lou said...

Hi Tiffers, we are thinking about you guys and thinking about little Jackie too. Becoming a parent adds understanding about the love a mother has for her children but I can't imagine the position you have of missing one of those sweet blessings everyday. You ARE so strong and very much an example. We LOVE you and Coby so much and wanted you to know, especially today.

Scott, Aimee, & Emily said...

Tiff- Thanks for sharing a little part of your "true" day with us. I can't imagine the heartbreak that you still feel. But I do know that you have and still do inspire me to pick up the pieces and be happy with the trials in this life. Hope you day picks up!

Lanae said...

Little, little, pretty little girl; I'm so sorry my little wiggle worm wouldn't sit still at lunch today; I so wanted to just sit with you and talk. You've been on my mind all day, and last night, and yesterday... you have every right to feel that way and to cry it out. Oh, sweetie, I'm just thinking about you. I wish there was something I could say to make this all a little easier.
Tons of hugs, prayers, and all of our thoughts are with you today. Loves, Little

Kim Cowart said...

My heart was breaking for you this morning as I knew that it would be a struggle of a day for you today. I was foolish and should have given you a hug today and I'm sorry I didn't. Missing Jack and aching to have him back is not a pity party. You are a mom who loves and misses her boy. I am glad you came today. I hope it was an hour that was a bit of a mental break. You must know that you are incredible and you are MY inspiration. Your entire family is. Sending you lots of love and prayers today.

Katy said...

Tiff, love you! I have been thinking about you guys all day. You amaze me! You and Cob are a great example to me. I love that "pick myself up and get to work". What a great reminder for us. Love ya!

Melanie Bingham said...

I think it's ok to be not ok all the time. I probably should have showed up on your porch to cry with you because the tears just started to flow everytime I thought of you guys today. I need to make a note in outlook to wear water-proof mascara to work on Sept 23rd. The great thing about a day of tears is the morning after. To know there is a new day, for hope and as you said get to work. And your toes do look fabulous! LOVES

Sommer said...

I love you!!! Thank you for letting be part of your family day. For some reason I am not as sad when I am with you. I guess I feel like Jack is so much a part of you and a part of who you are that being with you makes me not miss and hurt for Jackie as much. I love you! I love your family (and I'll take complete credit for creating your family :) )

margaret said...

Thinking of you and what wonderful parents and people you and Coby are. So glad to be related! Some days it is ok not to be ok. We need to take time to mourn and remember.

Anne said...

You're in my thoughts and prayers today (always).

Ian N. Service said...

The Service family still stands - and always will - with the Rich's. We love you guys.

Steph said...

I'm not sure what to say. So I'll just say I love you. I'm thinking of you. I feel blessed to have you in my life. Thanks for all you do and all you are for our cute girls. I know they love you too.

Natalie said...

you're not having a pity party, my friend. you are just feeling all of that love seeping out of your broken mama heart. it just speaks to how much you cherish that little boy. you are in my thoughts and prayers. I sure wish i could take some of it away for you. love to you!!!

Danny and Becky DuPaix said...

Tiff we love you guys. What a strong family you are and I'd do the same thing, a diet coke in the morning is just fabulious! Except, I'd get the real thing (coke). Hah!

abbyandcompany said...

Hi. You are allowed to any feelings you are having on this day, two years later. I don't have any comforting words, I know how much you miss that baby of yours & I can't imagine your pain. I hope your days get brighter this week. We love you guys and you are in my prayers and I am thinking of you.

Ashley Sullenger said...

Hi, We recently lost our little girl about two months ago. I feel for you, I've realized it's something that I don't think any parent will get over-not fully. I agree about the comments like "He's in such a better place." It doesn't help what you feel. Hang in there. I hope you have some good days around the corner!

Kim said...

I love you tiff! I am thinking of you. I miss you so much. Let's get together in the next couple of weeks. Your family is always in my prayers.

Jake and Jessica said...

Love ya Tiff! I have been missing your cute face, I guess I better get my butt to the gym. I am thinking and praying for you.

Anonymous said...

My sweet little Tiffy,
I wished I could take your broken heart and mend it all up, I know I can't make you feel better, but I tried and I just felt like I needed to be there all week for you even tho I am there most of the time,I felt like I wasn't mush help. When you told me about the deep thought you had on your cruise of Jackie, I knew I had to be there for you, but wished I could of taken all your hurt away I love you so much and wished I could be a better mom like you are to your sweet little boys, you are a wonderful mother, full of love for those boys and always willing to do things for them and buy them the things they want most. love you babygirl, Lady

LL said...

I've never met you, but I follow your blog. Your story is heartbreaking but your strength is amazing. I admire your ability to "pick yourself up and get to work"
I'm so sorry for the loss of your little guy! I hope today is a better day for you.