Needed to post a smiling picture of Jack because I need to pull myself up today. One day this will all be okay, but it's not going to be anytime soon. It stinks that he's not here and that I have to only imagine what he'd be like growing up in our family. I know all the right answers..."you'll get to raise him, you'll hold him again...you're an eternal family....BLAH BLAH BLAH!" But right now, that doesn't bring me an ounce of happiness. It doesn't even bring me joy for the future, because the future is SO FAR AWAY. What I have is a hole in my heart the size of a planet that will NEVER heal. I don't mean to have a pity party for myself, I just miss my little boy. The little boy that was so easy to love. The little boy that gave a whole lot more than he took. Today I'm struggling. Today I don't want to move. Today I want to hold my baby. The baby that actually liked me. I'd think that 2 years out would be a little easier to deal with, but today I'm right back 1 month out and feel like I can hardly breathe.
If all else fails I do have a few things to make me smile: Coby, Corbin and Jaden for sure. My family and friends, some fancy schmancy toes, a GORGEOUS picture of all three of my boys (Thanks Melissa - I'll post a picture later), a lunch.... Wow, maybe I should stop thinking of what I DON'T have and start naming off what I DO have...because it's a lot. I am grateful. I am hopeful. But every now and then I kind of want to wallow. Today is a wallow day. I'll try my best to put on a happy face, but please know that it will be just that. Under the make up and genuine laughter, about a mile under the surface is a mom and dad that long to be the people they were 2 years ago + 1 day ago. I'll tell you I'm okay...but really I'm not and poor Coby he's the only one that has to see. He's the most amazing person I know and I'm pretty sure I may have bribed Heavenly Father to get him. I hope I'm holding up my end of the bargain.
A couple weeks ago I was having a particularly hard day. I sobbed all morning long. When I knelt for help from my Heavenly Father his words were kind yet firm. He told me pick myself up and get to work. So that's what I'm going to do, I'm going to try and pull it together and get to a spinning class with Kim. Hopefully that will give me a little mood boost. Then I'm going to get myself a big diet coke! Yes I realize it's 8:39 in the morning...but today I don't care.