Sunday, May 17, 2009

2 White Roses


Two white roses, that's what I picked up tonight for Jack's grave. There is symbolism in these two white roses. First they are white, a symbol of purity. Jack is pure. Second, they are delicate. Jack was delicate, highly sensitive to his surroundings. Third, these roses are tender. Jack was very tender hearted. And lastly, I put them in water to help prolong their life, but it's only a matter of time before they will wilt and die. They will never fully reach their full potential because they were cut before they had the opportunity to do so. Jack was cut short before he had the chance to reach his full potential too.

We're having a little birthday memorial for him tomorrow. He should be turning 2 on Wednesday. We should be having a party with candles and cake and presents. But this birthday will be different. Instead of getting balloons to celebrate, we'll be getting balloons to release up to heaven. Instead of cleaning up the cake that Jack would have spilled all over the table and kitchen floor, we'll be eating paperless cupcakes that will fall on the ground of the cemetery near his grave. Instead of taking pictures so we will remember and have a record of his 2nd birthday, we'll be taking pictures of his name plate and the blue balloons on their way up to heaven. Jack won't be in the pictures. He won't be there blow out the candles on his cake. He won't be there to open his presents because this year there won't be any to give.

Tonight I'm sad. Tonight I miss our baby. Our beautiful baby boy. The one who would throw his head back and laugh like his aunt Marse. The one who'd watch his older brother and try his best to keep up. The one who'd run to Coby when he came home from work. The one who was just learning to say "Mama". Why did it have to be him? Why Jack? He was so perfect, so little and so amazing. Why couldn't it have happened to the mother so addicted to drugs that she'd do anything to keep up her high? Or the child so badly neglected and abused that death probably sounds like heaven?

I'm not trying to have a pity party, I'm not. I just want to hold him close tonight. I want to look into his big blue eyes and nibble on his chubby little cheeks until he laughs so hard he has to can hardly breath. I want put him in my Moby and take Corbin and Jasmine on a walk. I want to pull his blond little toe head into my theigh and feel the warmth of his tiny body. I want him to pick me yellow dandelions and feel proud of himself. I want to hear him say the words, "I love you Mom and Dad."

I know I'll have all those wishes someday. So I just have to remind myself that he is where he is supposed to be. Doing the work for our family that could only be done on the other side of the veil by someone so valiant and noble. I know he lives and that we'll see him again. I know that we'll hold him again and we are sealed together as an eternal family. I know that he is doing all he can to secure our place up there.

I miss him. I love him. Someday everything will be okay. Someday.


11 comments:

Camille said...

Jack was very lucky to have such great parents. Jack and all the others cheering you guys on in heaven must be very proud of the love and understanding you have for your family's plan.
What a wonderful tribute to a beautiful boy! Happy Birthday Jack.

Lanae said...

I'm all choked up; I've been thinking about you all day today and Jack's birthday and it's hard to not cry when I think about all that you and Coby have been through. I'm so sorry, Tiff. I'm so, so sorry that you guys have had to deal with so much. You love that little boy more than anything in the world and I know he's around you all the time - but I know it doesn't take away that need to hold him and cuddle with him. I love you sweetie and we'll say extra prayers for you guys today. I'll see you later today. Hugs and loves, Little

abbyandcompany said...

Hey you,

i was thinking of you yesterday when i realized i missed the 10:00 am cut off at the post office yet again! I knew Jack's birthday was coming up on Wednesday (i confess i looked it up last week on your blog, but I knew it was May)and I realized that perhaps this would be a difficult week for you. It is true that Jack is valiant and noble but so are you! You go forward everyday and you don't give up and that is what makes you a valiant woman and a woman of faith. I know Jack is so proud of you. I am positive he misses you. Who wouldn't miss that fat Jack boy-his kankles and cheeks and gorgeous eyes? Happy birthday to Jack. ILY.

Kunz said...

Isn't it awful? We have to buy something for our little boy's grave. We have to choose what would look "best."

I had two pieces of cake today. One for you and one for me. I am dreading Daxton's birthday. I will be thinking of you on Wednesday. I will call you.

Amber said...

Tiff,
Love you. I wish I had the answers. I and am sending you hugs, prayers, and love.

Larsen said...

We just celebrated Gavin's Birthday yesterday (the 17th) I will be thinking of you this week. The days leading up to his birthday were so hard for me. I cried each time I though of it, but the actual day was nice. We were surrounded by family who all loved that little boy so much. We celebrated him. We ate all his favorite foods. And the cousins blew out Gavin's candle on his behalf. The cousins opened presents from Gavin. They had fun. Watching them be happy about Gavin helped me. I will be thinking and praying for you this week........
Someday.

Gavin's Mom
Michelle

Amanda said...

Nothing like a good cry to make you realize what is important in this life. Thanks for the tears and your beautiful words! lOVE YOU Jack and miss you too. Love you Tiff and Coby.

Clark and Annmarie Huggins said...

BIRTHDAYS ARE THE HARDEST,I HAVE NO WORDS OF WISDOM TO EASE THE PAIN IN YOUR HEART. OUR JUSTIN'S BIRTHDAY WILL BE ON THE 6 OF JUNE. IT WILL BE FOUR YEAR IN SEPT, SINCE HE DIED. I WISH I CAN TELL YOU IT GETS EASIER. I THINK WE JUST LEARN TO DEAL WITH THE NEW NORMAL. HAPPY BIRTHDAY JACK.
ANNMARIE HUGGINS

Melanie said...

Beautiful Post!

Janee said...

Thank you for sharing this Tiff. Jack was so lucky to have such loving parents. We love you! *Hugs*

Natalie said...

Tiffany, one of these days i will meet you and give you the biggest hug. your strength is amazing. jack is amazing. i'm grateful to 'know' you. really. i am.