Monday, September 23, 2013

Jack's 5th Angelversary

5 years...
...that's how long it's been since we last held you, kissed your sweet chubby cheeks and heard you laugh.  I hate this day!  I don't think I'll ever get used to you being gone.  I want you to be here so bad and it kills me to know that Jaden and Cole will never actually know you here on this Earth.  Corb has already forgotten so much.  But what hurts the most is that no matter how how I try, I'm forgetting too.  But the pain is always there.  It's not the searing pain it once was, but it's always there lingering in the background.  I try to stay busy and not think about it, but sometimes the grief sneaks in.  And I have to let it in.  It's not that I like to be sad, but sometimes the sadness means that I can still feel you.  That you WERE infact here and that you aren't just a dream.  I'm grateful for your occasional visit.  I pray that they will always remain.
Today has been hard for two reason:'s Jack's Angelversary...but having the stomach flu or food poisoning on top of just adding insult to injury!  We have NEVER been so sick in our whole marriage.  And we ALL have it!  Last night we ALL had our puke buckets and made beds on our bedroom floor and spent the night together....throwing up!  Jealous??!! Coby made the comment that the night we lost Jack was probably the last night we all spent the night huddled together feeling so low.  I think he was right!  Today I got a bouquet of flowers from a dear friend (Melissa).  She has always gone over and beyond to let us know that Jack is NEVER forgotten.  So many people have been so wonderful in this area.  And we appreciate it more than we could every express.  I save EVERYTHING...every card, every note, every tender mercy I can fit in a hope chest in our room.  How blessed we have been through this tragedy!  The Lord is good.  So, so good!  He has never left us alone and know He never will.  I am so grateful for all the Earth Angels in our lives that have continued to lift us daily and especially on days like this and show us that Jack mattered...that he still matters.  I am weak, on all levels today...but maybe that's a good thing because I swear I can feel Jack closer today.  So, I'm going to close my eyes and try to remember what it felt like to hold him.  To kiss his soft chubby cheeks.  To hold him and have my chin rest on his soft whispy white hair.  Someday....someday Coby and I will hold him again. Someday all will be made right.  And until "someday" comes....I'll just have to cling to that hope and the memories I refuse to let fade.

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