Thursday, March 05, 2009

What I'd give

What I'd give to be able to go back and see this little face, to touch those little hands and to kiss those cute cheeks. I wish I could go back into the memories of my mind and actually relive some of them and be able to permanently delete others. Lately I've been missing Jack more than usual. It's been pretty bad the past few days. I try to stay positive because I know that Jack wouldn't want me to be so sad. And most days I can deal with our situation. But every now and then I get a wicked reality check and am hit with the realization that he's gone. He's really gone and there is nothing anyone can do change that. It's times like those that I can't seem to pull it together. I can't stop the tears or seem to snap out of that hopeless aching feeling that he's no longer running around getting into mischief. Oh what I'd give to have him get into some mischief right now. Oh, why did this have to happen? I know the reason, but it doesn't relieve one ounce of this pain. I'm not angry at the Lord or even at our situation. I'm just sad. And I don't want to be the kind of person that is so depressing that it emotionally drains anyone they come in contact with. I'm trying to put on my best face and find joy in the journey. I know that this life is full of both joy and sorrow, and that if I could just see the big picture that this probably wouldn't be as bad as I think it is. That it's only but a second of time in the grand scheme of things. I know that the Lord would never give us more than we can handle, but sometimes I wonder if He has more faith in me than I have in myself. Tomorrow will be a better day. Today, I just miss him.

21 comments:

Amber said...

Tiff,
I'm so sorry!I wish I could take some of your pain away. Love you.

Krainich Family said...

Oh sweet sweet Tiff! I am so sorry for those days. But do not feel bad for a second that you are having a "Jack" day. You are soooo entitled to these! No one thinks you are a drag. . You are so wonderful, so faithful and so amazing. I'm often amazed how Happy you seem to be all the time. . . it's so normal to just be overcome with that pain. Trust me when I say, I know where you are being affraid you are a drag or downer on them. I used to call myself "Debbie Downer" you know, the character off of SNL? No body things you are a downer, and if they do you can flush them down the toilet:) Sweet Sweet Tiff, how I could take it from you, or at least zap you a few years down the road. Be kind to yourself and don't get mad at yourself for feeling sad or missing him, it's part of the process. Just bc you have grief in the journey, doesn't mean you aren't finding joy too. Love you
Michelle

Brittni said...

Hang in there Tiffy!

Huggins family said...

I feel the same way, people think oh she is doing so good she must be over it. It kinda makes me sad when people say that to me. I tell them i have a mask i put on each day when i go out in public But know one sees what goes on behind close doors. your feelings are so true. when i walk down to my justin's room i think i can smell him, or i think i hear him say mom. It is healthy to have these days, because it sure makes you appreacaite the good days. my prayers our with you.
annmarie huggins

Bredy McBred said...

My little Tiff Tiff-I love you so very much-I wish that just for a second I could take the hurt away from you. Jackie would be so proud of you-at how much strength you have had. He is looking down on you and I know that his arms around you helping you with I love you! I'm sending a big bredy hug your way! xoxo tell corbin auntie bred bred says hellooooo lol

Larsen said...

Sister, you speak the truth. I've tried to explain to people that it actually seems like it's getting harder, not easier, as time goes by. "Time heals", yeah, it's not working for me right now. When we lost Gavin the spirit was SO STRONG, and the further away we get, the less strong it seems to be and the harder it gets. And about seeing the whole picture, I think it would still hurt. Father in Heaven turned away when his son was suffering for our sins. I think it hurt too much, and he knew the whole plan, he created it. So I think they understand this hurt too and don't expect us to even attempt at seeing the "whole" picture. If that makes sense. Sending love your way!!

Janee said...

Oh Tiff, I just wish there was something I could do. I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine the pain you and Coby go through everyday missing your precious boy. We love you guys and please know we are here for you if you need anything. *Hugs*

Lanae said...

Little Tiff,
You're one special gal and I love you so very much. I'm so, so sorry that you've had to endure so much, and I'm sure you'd give anything in the world to have just some more time with that little angel. I can't even imagine how hard this has been. I love you and I'm always here for you!! Little

Kunz Family said...

I know my friend. I know.

Kunz Family said...

PS I TOTALLY HAVE THOSE SHORTS!!! We really are twinners!!!

Miss Molly said...

Tiffany,

I was in salt lake today and thought of calling you. I just wanted to sit with you on the couch and cry. You have been in my thoughts a lot lately. My pain has gotten so much worse lately as well. SO MUCH WORSE. I'm so sorry.

How will we make it??

Melanie said...

So I've decided I can't check your blog while I'm making dinner...kinda disasterous for the food. This is where you forgive those of us that haven't 'been there' for our comments. For what it's worth...1.You still get bonus points for breathing and getting out of bed. What you've been through and are going through SUCKS BIG!!!!! I am thinking you wouldn't be normal if you were able to be happy all the time or if you put on the happy mask for everyone. I think it's good to write about the pain because someday you will want to look back and be able to see how far you've come or how much you've grown and as the other comment said, it will make the good days all the more sweet. REmember YOU CAN DO THIS. On certain days I am sure you don't think you can, and most of all don't WANT to do this, but OH how intimately the Lord does know us and knows where we are and where he needs us to get to. I think of it as a muscle and physically the muscle breaks down before it gets stronger....Just a thought..have you considered doing a 5k in September dedicated to Jack and as a fund raiser for (your choice) and as a warm up for the tri. in NOv.??????

Andrea said...

Tiff, those days may never cease completely, but I agree that you get points for just getting out of bed. And if you can't do that some days, everyone would understand. You may never know what an inspiration you are to people around you, but we know. We love you and pray for your peace.

Kass said...

Tiff,
I am so sorry for the down days you've had. They do catch us off guard when we think we're doing pretty well. You really are amazing.

I know I've wondered many times if maybe the Lord got me confused with someone else that could handle the trial of losing a child. I think in those very moments we are being refined into the person who can do it. Our bishop spent some time in our recent Ward Conference talking about what an honor it was to have parents who have lost little children in the ward. He said it was an honor to mingle with the moms/dads of these special spirits. Although very unexpected, it was neat to hear as sometimes it's hard not to feel like you're draining everyone dry with your grief, etc.

Hang in there. Love, Kass Brigg's Mom in Ogden :)

abbyandcompany said...

I wish losing Jack wasn't part of yours and Coby's journey through this life. It just isn't fair. It isn't! Whatever you are feeling is Okay...anytime you feel it. Grief is felt in a range of so many emotions, i don't even know how i would make it. I know i told you this before, but i admire you for even getting out of bed, much less going forward with faith in the gospel and in Heavenly Father's plan for you and your family. ily.

Natalie said...

I still try to imagine what you must be going through. I can't. And "I'm sorry" seems so trite, but I am. You are getting through this in such a profoundly beautiful way. I'm proud of you for giving your feelings a voice. Your thoughts uplift in ways you won't soon know. Sending you {another} hug!

Amy said...

All it took for the tears to start flowing was to see that priceless picture of you and Jackie. Oh Tiff, How could you not have sad days? You wouldn't be human if you didn't. You are not a downer. You are an INSPIRATION me. I think we all tend to put on a mask in public when inside we might feel like we might break. Thank you for sharing your feelings. I know that by doing so, you have touched so many lives and helped so many others through their grief. I'm so sorry for your pain. Love ya, Amy

Amber Burton said...

you are my hero! i think it is in the air... i think the past 4 night i have cried myself to sleeping missing him. i love you!

lbporrazzo said...

Sweet Tiff, I know your post was from a week or so ago, but I still wanted you to know you continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. You'll have several bouts of ups and downs. I think that is what life is all about. I wish I could be there with you to cry, then with you when you feel like smiling! You are one of my modern day heros!!!! XXO, Aunt Linda

Willow said...

Tiff, I'm so sorry that you're sad and hurting. Be gentle with yourself when these days come. These are normal reactions to pain, and Heavenly Father understands all our emotions. Hugs. May better days come soon.

Lisa Gottlieb-Kinnaird

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