Thursday, March 05, 2009
What I'd give
What I'd give to be able to go back and see this little face, to touch those little hands and to kiss those cute cheeks. I wish I could go back into the memories of my mind and actually relive some of them and be able to permanently delete others. Lately I've been missing Jack more than usual. It's been pretty bad the past few days. I try to stay positive because I know that Jack wouldn't want me to be so sad. And most days I can deal with our situation. But every now and then I get a wicked reality check and am hit with the realization that he's gone. He's really gone and there is nothing anyone can do change that. It's times like those that I can't seem to pull it together. I can't stop the tears or seem to snap out of that hopeless aching feeling that he's no longer running around getting into mischief. Oh what I'd give to have him get into some mischief right now. Oh, why did this have to happen? I know the reason, but it doesn't relieve one ounce of this pain. I'm not angry at the Lord or even at our situation. I'm just sad. And I don't want to be the kind of person that is so depressing that it emotionally drains anyone they come in contact with. I'm trying to put on my best face and find joy in the journey. I know that this life is full of both joy and sorrow, and that if I could just see the big picture that this probably wouldn't be as bad as I think it is. That it's only but a second of time in the grand scheme of things. I know that the Lord would never give us more than we can handle, but sometimes I wonder if He has more faith in me than I have in myself. Tomorrow will be a better day. Today, I just miss him.