Jack's Christmas Tree

Every year for the past 4 Christmas' we've had the misfortune of decorating a little tree for our little Jack.

We always decorate it in different colors of Blue...to match his beautiful eyes.

Here are all our supportive decorators.  

I keep hoping that every year decorating a little tree for our angel will get easier.  It doesn't.  It still hurts.  It hurts almost as bad as the day we had to lay him to rest.  I wish he were running around with his brothers instead of his brothers running around withOUT him through a cemetery around Christmas.  I dislike that this has become our family tradition now.  I really dislike knowing that the world hasn't stopped turning.  

Today has been an especially hard day.  I hope it's because he's nearby.  Maybe he misses us as much as we miss him.  At least he gets to look in on us.  I wish I could look in on him.  I wish I could see his eyes and not just in a picture.  I wish I could feel his breath as he slept.  I wish I were pulling my hair out because he talks too much, or because he is fighting with his brothers.  I guess I'll never know those little annoyances I wish I were taking for granted at this point in our lives.

I miss him.  I miss him so much that I don't want to do anything but stare at the wall.  I keep myself so busy because it helps me mask just how much pain I'm actually in...every.single.day!  It's hard...it's still so hard knowing he's really gone.  I want to know why he had to leave...but that's just a road not worth going down.  I have accepted the fact that he wasn't supposed to be here.

But it's Christmas.  I want to see his face on Christmas morning as he's anxiously ripping through the wrapping paper to find his treasures.  I'll never know what that will feel like with Jack.  He was too little.  Today I found myself trying to pull Jaden's head into my leg to see if he is the same size.  He's not.  Sometimes I just want to close my eyes and pretend that it's all a bad dream.  And that if I close my eyes tight enough I might wake up from this nightmare and all will be as it should be.

Well, the reality is that things ARE as they should be.  They are not the way I'd want them to be...but they are what they are and they are NOT, nor were they EVER in my control in the first place.  Jack was merely on loan for a VERY SHORT 16 months and 3 days.  

And for that I'm grateful.  Grateful, for those short months. So, I'll close my eyes and be happy for the time I DID get with him.  He was and still is one of the 4 greatest gifts I've ever received.  I have been blessed and I know it.  And more than that, I know God knows it.

Merry Christmas my sweet little blue-eyed boy.  We miss you.  We know you are near.  We know you watch over us.  We know you love us as we love you.  Stay close...we still need you.  We long to look into your eyes and kiss your sweet face.  Someday....we'll have the desires of our hearts. Put in a good word for us so we can bring another brother or sister down.  We've been trying without much luck.   We're counting on you Jack.   - Love mom.