Remembering what's important

(Jack's first and last haircut)


I love the lyrics to Jessie Clark Funk's "calling all angels" song:

A quiet voice is calling my name.
I hear you laughing,
but the question remains:
Are you dancing or playing above?
Momma's aching to give you her love.

There's a smile I can't wait to see.
A lullaby that you loved to sing.
Just to know I'll hold you again
is the gift I'll hold until then.

Calling all Angels.
I need to feel something familiar
Something real.
Am I just dreaming?
I close my eyes.
I feel you near, feel you inside.
Just to call your name
and know that you're still there.
Calling all Angels.

I know the plan was having you here.
Sometimes what's best is so unclear.
But baby boy put your hand in mine
as I walk through, the fire refines.

Calling all Angels.
I need to feel something familiar
Something real.
Am I just dreaming?
I close my eyes.
I feel you near, feel you inside.
Just to call your name
and know that you're still there.
Calling all Angels.

Father of us all,
You know the reason that's he's gone.
He's in my heart
and now in your arms.

Calling all Angels.
I need to feel something familiar
Something real.
Am I just dreaming?
I close my eyes.
I feel you near, feel you inside.
Just to call your name
and know that you're still there.
Calling all Angels.
My little Angel.

I look at my little family everyday and think....someone's missing. Someone amazing. Someone that could melt your heart the second that he looked at you. I miss my baby. It's been two years and while they have gone by quickly, they have NOT been filled with the sweet giggle of a little boy that still holds my heart. I miss that giggle. I miss the way he used to look up at me. The way he looked at me the last day I saw him and our souls spoke to each other. It's so hard. Harder than I know how to say. My friend Britt said it best: "It's like losing a limb. It never grows back, but you learn to adjust and function without it." I feel like I've lost my right arm....maybe even my left leg as well. I feel like half of me is cut off and split down the middle. It's hard to adjust. But we do it....on the outside at least. We're NOT okay. We never will be. How can you be when you were forced bury your little boy of 16 months?

(me and my Jadesy baby)

I think I'm like a duck. Calm on the surface...but paddling my feet as hard as I can just to stay afloat. I'm trying my best. I keep myself busy 98% of the time because I HAVE TO. It's too hard to sit and look at pictures or home movies and remember that he was real. That he really did live with us for a little while. I wish I knew all the answers...really KNEW all the answers. Why he's gone? What he's really doing up there? One of my dearest friends said: "I was in the temple the other day and I thought about Jack. I remembered how missionaries take pictures of their families and use them while teaching. I thought of Jack telling all about you and what you are doing to come back. "

I love thinking about that. Thinking about the good Jack's actually doing up there. Instead of sitting here feeling sorry for myself and thinking of all the things I DON'T have, maybe I should be thinking of the things I DO have! I actually have a LOT to be grateful for!!

(3 of 4 of my beautiful boys: Coby, Jades and Corb)

And here they are...all over this post. Coby, Corbin, Jack and Jaden. I still have Jack. He's still eternally belongs to Coby and I...it's just on hold for a bit. I know that I must have been on board with this this decision at some point. Sometimes I think you need to fall on your face and be humbled before you can pick yourself back up and get back in the race. The race of life. We must endure to the end...whenever that may be. I am not yet the girl I want to be when I have the privilege of looking The Lord and my Saviour in the eyes, clean and without fear, rejoicing in their presence. I have a long ways to go. But I know that I can do it. I know that as I rely on my Heavenly Father and put my trust in Him, he'll extend his hands of mercy and help me back to my feet. I know He knows just how hard this is and doesn't expect us to do it alone. So tonight, I need His hands to help pull me back up, because I can't see through my pain and grief and thousands of tears.

(3 of the 4 of my boys: Jack, Coby and Corb)

I miss my Jackie. But I know he is safe. I know he is happy and Can see the big picture. I'm sure he's keeping busy because of all the work that needs to be done there. He must know that the sooner he gets his work done, the sooner he'll get to be with us again. So, to that I say, Go to work baby, I'll see you soon. We miss you. We ache to hold you. But we will endure. We will be together again because WE WILL do our part. I will be the mother I promised to be. We are an eternal family. I remember what's most important. So, I will forget myself and get to work too.