2 White Roses

Two white roses, that's what I picked up tonight for Jack's grave. There is symbolism in these two white roses. First they are white, a symbol of purity. Jack is pure. Second, they are delicate. Jack was delicate, highly sensitive to his surroundings. Third, these roses are tender. Jack was very tender hearted. And lastly, I put them in water to help prolong their life, but it's only a matter of time before they will wilt and die. They will never fully reach their full potential because they were cut before they had the opportunity to do so. Jack was cut short before he had the chance to reach his full potential too.

We're having a little birthday memorial for him tomorrow. He should be turning 2 on Wednesday. We should be having a party with candles and cake and presents. But this birthday will be different. Instead of getting balloons to celebrate, we'll be getting balloons to release up to heaven. Instead of cleaning up the cake that Jack would have spilled all over the table and kitchen floor, we'll be eating paperless cupcakes that will fall on the ground of the cemetery near his grave. Instead of taking pictures so we will remember and have a record of his 2nd birthday, we'll be taking pictures of his name plate and the blue balloons on their way up to heaven. Jack won't be in the pictures. He won't be there blow out the candles on his cake. He won't be there to open his presents because this year there won't be any to give.

Tonight I'm sad. Tonight I miss our baby. Our beautiful baby boy. The one who would throw his head back and laugh like his aunt Marse. The one who'd watch his older brother and try his best to keep up. The one who'd run to Coby when he came home from work. The one who was just learning to say "Mama". Why did it have to be him? Why Jack? He was so perfect, so little and so amazing. Why couldn't it have happened to the mother so addicted to drugs that she'd do anything to keep up her high? Or the child so badly neglected and abused that death probably sounds like heaven?

I'm not trying to have a pity party, I'm not. I just want to hold him close tonight. I want to look into his big blue eyes and nibble on his chubby little cheeks until he laughs so hard he has to can hardly breath. I want put him in my Moby and take Corbin and Jasmine on a walk. I want to pull his blond little toe head into my theigh and feel the warmth of his tiny body. I want him to pick me yellow dandelions and feel proud of himself. I want to hear him say the words, "I love you Mom and Dad."

I know I'll have all those wishes someday. So I just have to remind myself that he is where he is supposed to be. Doing the work for our family that could only be done on the other side of the veil by someone so valiant and noble. I know he lives and that we'll see him again. I know that we'll hold him again and we are sealed together as an eternal family. I know that he is doing all he can to secure our place up there.

I miss him. I love him. Someday everything will be okay. Someday.