Jack's very own Christmas Tree

I couldn't find the good picture of Jack's head stone...but this will have to do for now. We put a little soccer ball and a little lamb ( I used to call him "Lammy") Originally we were told that we were looking at it taking up to 12 weeks and then if the ground was frozen...we'd have to wait even longer. We were so happy when we found out that Jack's name plate would be in before Thanksgiving. I was just another little blessing from the Lord! :)

This year Joanne suggested that we should decorate a little Christmas Tree just for Jackie. We invited our families from both sides to help. Everyone brought an ornament to hang on the tree. I turned out so beautiful.

After we were finished decorating we sang "Silent Night". I lost it especially when we sang the part about "Holy Infant so tender and mild...sleep in heavenly peace...sleep in heavenly peace." I miss him...so much. Not a second goes by when I'm not thinking about him and missing him. I know he fulfilled his mission here on Earth but it just doesn't make it hurt any less. I am so grateful though that I had the chance to know him and love him and be his mom. I know he watched over our family and I feel him close all the time. I try to be positive about our situation because it feels better than the alternative...but I still have breakdowns. Sometimes they aren't too bad...and other times they are gut renchingly painful. I had such a night a few weeks ago. I was so distraught, it was almost like I was back at the beginning. I couldn't even speak without gasping for air. That night I tried with all my might to try and see Jack in my mind by my faith. It didn't end up happening, but I was able to feel him so close almost like he was touching the back of my neck with his hand. He was there, I know it. I just wish I could see him. I know that that would probably just make it harder...but I just miss him so much. The next morning I think he came again to say good morning. And tell him that he was still there. Jack had these little kissing monkeys in his room (they are still there). You pull them apart and they say..."Kiss me!". We that next morning I went to the gym early and when I got back noticed that Corbin had crawled in bed with Coby, so I crawled back into Corbin's bed. I was all alone and heard those monkey's go off...."Kiss Me!". Then it happened again..and again. Those monkey's went off 6 different times before I jumped up and ran into Jack's room. When I got there they went off again. I scanned the room hoping that my prayer would be answered and I'd get to see my baby. I said, "Jack...I know you're here....make the monkey's go off again if you're really here...." So OF COURSE they didn't go off. Typical Jack....Never wanting to perform just because I asked him to! :) That little stinker!!

Coby was there that horrible night and helped me through it. He's such a trooper and doesn't get the credit he deserves. He's so strong for our family and without him I don't know what I'd do...probably not get out of bed. He's my rock and I love him more than anything. It's because of him that I had Jack in the first place. And it's because of him Jack is sealed to us forever and because of that I'll get to see Jack again. What a blessing!