The last few days have been to say the least, hard as heck. I can't stand that Jack isn't here. I thought I was doing okay and then Thanksgiving rolled around. I AM grateful for so many things, but I'm not thankful that I can't be with my Jackie right now. Why is he gone? WHY? I know the logical and spiritual answers, but none of them actually bring him back to me. It just doesn't seem fair that everyone else gets to watch their families grow up and we had to put ours to rest. I know that we all have trials and all deal with heartache at different times in our lives, but this...this seems too much to bare. I know that we probably agreed to this before we came here, but was I not paying attention to the "fine" print? Did I see the part where Jack would be taken at only 16 months?? I'm not angry. I'm not bitter. I'm just a little sad. I cling to Heavenly Father because it's through him that I get my peace. But why Jack? Why isn't he down for his nap right now? Why can't I watch him sleeping while his stomach moves up and down? Why isn't he watching Corbin so intently as to figure out how to be just like his big brother. Corbin will never know him or play football with him. Coby can't just take his boys to professional game and enjoy just spending time with them. It breaks my heart. I know that Jack is still here and that he watches over us, but it's not enough. I didn't get enough time with him. I know that this life is but a second in comparison to the grand scheme of things, but it sure seems long. I don't even know what I'm typing anymore. I can't even see the screen. So, today I'm not okay, but I will be. I just miss him that's all.
32 comments:
I know my sweet friend. I know.
Oh my dear Tif. Although I had a nice holiday and I had much to be thankful for, there was just something missing all day..I didn't talk with you. I assumed why, but now it just breaks my heart even more. I'm usually not much of a crier, but you bring it out of me...thanks so much for sharing. So glad to hear from you today! Luvz
Oh, it just breaks my heart. I wish so much there was something I could do...
Little Tiff,
I so wish I had the right words to say.. I just want you to know how much I love you and your little family. You mean so much to us and we just love you to pieces.
My heart goes out to you every day and you're constantly on my mind.
Love you so very much.
Little
(thanks for letting us terrorize your house tonight! I love coming over and just being with you). You mean so much to me.
Tiff,
I'm so sorry that this heartache of loosing Jack is something on your path. It doesn't seem fair, not one bit. I wish I had answers to mend your broken heart. I wish I had words to soothe your soul, but I don't. I do know that I love you guys, and that Heavenly Father loves you too. There is a plan a beautiful plan, but no road map was provided. I wish you could see into heaven to find a glimpse of peace.
love,
Amber
So right there with you. :'( Not feeling very thankful...just sad. Maybe next year...*hugs*
~Bethany
So right there with you. :'( Not feeling very thankful...just sad. Maybe next year...*hugs*
~Bethany
I want to be frank with you it just plain sucks that you have to go through this.I am so sorry dear. I wish I knew just what to say but I have know clue what you are really enduring. I wish I could take some of that pain for you. I love you.
I love you Tiff! I think about you often. I can't wait to see you and give a big hug.
It's hard to celebrate the holiday without my little boy. :) You're not alone.
Of course you miss your sweet Jack, Tiff -- I would guess you always will .... until the day of "Great Reunion".
Knowing that our mortal life is but a blip on the screen of Eternity gives us great hope for the future but true & complete comfort is illusive in the here & now, to say the least.
Heavenly Father knows your pain of missing your baby and Christ Jesus is holding your hand as you walk this lonely stretch of road. I hope it comforts you to know that Jackie is holding His other hand and that you are always connected by Our Savior, Jesus Christ. Doesn't that make some awesome imagery? All three walking hand-in-hand - separated only by a veil -- and directly connected to the Son of God.
Even knowing that you will get to raise & nuture Jack under perfect conditions doesn't take away all the pain of missing him now.
I wish I had some words to make you feel better but I just wanted to acknowledge how you must be feeling. It has to be gut-wrenchingly awful. God wants you to love your child as much as He loved His own Son and knows that the pain of separation is like no other.
You're in my thoughts and prayers,
kathyrn
Tiffany, I am so sorry you are hurting. You just had the most painful thing happen that can possibly happen to a family. I try to understand, but I have no words of comfort and for that, I feel helpless. I love what Amber said (whoever she is) about seeing a glimps of heaven. I wish so much you could just have a peek to know that this life is so short. I know it seems so long right now but you will see Jackie again. I know you know that. Thank you for this post-it is an example to all of us that although we know with all of our heart that our Heavenly Father loves us and has a plan for us, we can still have our hearts broken. We can still hurt because submitting to His will is sometimes the hardest thing we will have to do in this mortal life.
I'm sorry sorry sorry sorry a million times over. I think about you constantly and wish there was something I could do. I know there isn't and I know you just want Jackie back no matter what the plan or purpose of all this is.
I think about Corbin often and know that while you will not witness a special bond on this earth between Corbin and Jack, Corbin will always have a special relationship with Jack in a way that most people will never understand. And jack will always watch out for and protect his older brother.
ILY.
Tiffany, occasionally I visit your blog, and I wanted to let you know that you and Coby and Corbin and Jack are often in my prayers. I'm so sorry for the pain and sorrow you are all enduring.
I recently read your entry where you shared some of the Lord's tender mercies that surrounded Jack's death, and I marvelled at your courage and faith. It is so easy to trust in the Lord and have faith when all is well. It is so much harder to do so when we are burdened by the tragedies that are part of this earth life. Tiffany, you have a radiant spirit, and it shines out from your journal entries.
How grateful I am for a Saviour who has borne our sorrows, carried our griefs, and who consequently knows and understands us completely. May you feel his love and the presence of the Holy Spirit around you as you move forward in your journey.
Be well. Hugs.
Lisa Gottlieb-Kinnaird
Hey Gorgeous! Thank you for being honest. I am so sorry you had to endure this holiday without Jack. . .all the holidays to come. It's so so hard. All I can say is it's okay to be sad, to miss, to try to make sense of it all. We should go christmas shopping for our angels and take our presents to the homeless shelter together. Let me know what you think. . that way you can still buy Jack his christmas gifts! Loves.
James' Mommy
Just keep typing....I know you can't see the screen but really who needs to see the screen! I agree with the fine print analagy. Have you ever looked at a full set of building plans.. On top is this beautiful rendition of what the house will look like when finished. The next couple of pages give you a detailed description and look at the floor plan. If you dig deeper you'll find every minute detail of plumbing and electrical and so forth. I am pretty sure I looked and the top page and maybe even the floor plan, got so excited to get here and get a body, find my love, and have a family I FOR SURE did not look at the details of the rest of the plan.
I am no expert on this of any subject but I would say that it's ok to be sad and to post that it's just PLAIN HARD...we are all here to listen and love you. You get major brownie points for remembering to breathe let alone putting on a happy face and running drumstick races or whatever that thing was.
love mel
ps In a very shallow view of my Thanksgiving I have to comment if you are ever at the Casino in Grand Ronde Oregon in the buffet line (seriously not where I wanted to be on Thanksgiving) DO NOT I repeat DO NOt get the pumkin pie. How can a professional chef ruin pumkin pie??????????????
It's ok that you miss Jack, I'd be more surprised if you didn't. It was good to see you so often last week...all that running. I'm sorry friday was so hard. I hope the pain eases this week...
Love you.
My heart just aches for you. You are allowed to miss Jack and wonder, Why? I hope today is a better day for you. You are still in my thoughts and prayers.
still in my prayers and sending you a really big hug.
Cute little Tiffany,
I was so happy to see your beautiful smiling face at the get together a few weeks ago. And you are a little petite pixie like me so of course we have to be even better friends. My tears are right there with you. The same tears of questioning and wondering why...and the missing. The deepest missing and hurt possible to feel as a human being. I am grateful for so much too, we have much to be grateful for--but it is so hard. I feel like I'm living a horrible dream even as I am writing this. Is this really our lives? Unbelievable. TRULY UNBELIEVABLE. But I am so glad there are other angel moms out there who feel the exact same way I do. You are not alone.
Tiffany,
Please know you are so loved & you are not alone. I know that doesn't take the ache & pain away of just wanting our babies with us. The holidays seem to magnify the hurt because we see everyone doing typical "mom" stuff with their children-buying gifts, taking them to see Santa, parties, stories, Thanksgiving dinner, traditions- & we can't because they aren't here. It's just not natural.
Can I just say you are doing such a great job dealing with this. You are so darling. I loved meeting you and getting to know your sweet personality at the get together. I hope you can make it in Dec.
I think, like you, I was just all gung ho for this life & didn't read the "fine print" that I would lose my little boy at 6 months old.
Hang in there & know many prayers are being sent your way.
Love, Kass Tomany in Ogden
oh my hero of a big sister,
honestly i sit here and want to say something... anything... that may offer you just a ounce of comfort...but i've got nothing but to say oh how i think and miss that beautiful angelic face EVERY WAKING moment, and to tell you, you are my hero!!! and oh how i love you, cheese, and my little booger!
rhonda
oh my hero of a big sister,
honestly i sit here and want to say something... anything... that may offer you just a ounce of comfort...but i've got nothing but to say oh how i think and miss that beautiful angelic face EVERY WAKING moment, and to tell you, you are my hero!!! and oh how i love you, cheese, and my little booger!
rhonda
I don't know you, but I wanted to leave you a comment. I was at the Festival of Trees today and saw the one in honor of your Jackie. It took my breath away! I'll never forget those captivating eyes of his! They are forever engrained in my mind.
Thank you for your inspiring messages. And thank you for that tree. It was a beautiful memoir!
Tif, I feel so sad for you!! Your words are so full of wisdom and strength. You inspire so many people too. I don't understand why either, but I'd say you're doing an awesome job at what you have had to endure. You're an example to me and I don't even know you. I admire you and your testimony of the plan of salvation. I'll always remember those eyes too!!! You're a special woman to have had such a beautiful baby boy. He is lucky to have you as his mother!!!
Sweet Tiffany, I'm so so sorry that you and Coby have to endure this painful journey daily, We are continually praying for you and your family. My heart just breaks for you. Luv ya
oh my little Tiff-I miss you so. I have not been able to get online much. I am at my parents house-you know....soaking up the FREE internet. YEAH. I love you so much and I am sorry for your pain. If I could just take an ounce of it off your shoulders I would!
I will tell you what I am thankful for-For one I am thankful that you have such a great family and friends out there-I mean,I know that I am surely ONE OF A KIND-but seriously you have some great friends that are taking such good care of you guys right now!lol I am also thankful for....well YOU! For having you in my life. You keep me true Tiff and you love me depsite all my dumb things I have done in my life. And you have been my BFF since like 1959 or so it seems...lol I love you forever! bredy
oh my little Tiff-I miss you so. I have not been able to get online much. I am at my parents house-you know....soaking up the FREE internet. YEAH. I love you so much and I am sorry for your pain. If I could just take an ounce of it off your shoulders I would!
I will tell you what I am thankful for-For one I am thankful that you have such a great family and friends out there-I mean,I know that I am surely ONE OF A KIND-but seriously you have some great friends that are taking such good care of you guys right now!lol I am also thankful for....well YOU! For having you in my life. You keep me true Tiff and you love me depsite all my dumb things I have done in my life. And you have been my BFF since like 1959 or so it seems...lol I love you forever! bredy
Tiff and Coby,
I sent you guys a CD for Christmas called, "Joseph Smith the Prophet." It's the story of the restoration of the gospel put into music... it goes through many of the trials and tribulations that Joseph, Emma, and the early saints went through. There's one song in particular (#11) that makes me think of you guys. I think of their 11 children only 5 would make it to adulthood. It's a tender song about the feelings of a mother towards her deceased children, and how they were just too precious for this world. I sent it with the intention that you'd find some comfort in seeing that you are going through something they went through too.
We think about you and pray for you often. Love,
Chad & Natalie
Tif, I'm Mindy Chase (Dave Chase's sister-in-law). I just wanted to give you a little bit of hope about your older son remember his little brother. When my daughter was about 19 months old we lost a dear friend of her's. He was 20 months old and was killed in a horrible accident. She is now 4 years old and we still talk about this sweet little boy that was taken way too soon. She often will just say out of the blue, "I miss Cameron Mommy". When special people come into our lives even if only for a short time we will never forget them no matter how young we are. Good luck! We pray for you and Colby every day.
Tiff, we think of you everyday. And although we are very far away right now, we feel very close. I can't understand what you are going through, but as a mother, my heart is hurting for you. I thought of you all through Thanksgiving, but now as Christmas approaches I am especially aware of your situation. I wish I could take some of the pain for you, but there is only One that can do that. One day at a time honey. I truly believe that the Savior is holding hands with both you and Jackie. Today it might not bring enough comfort, but tomorrow it will. Just hang on. We love you!
Your post is so touching, I am sorry for your loss...my heart and prayers go out to you, a fellow lehi blogger, xo Alys
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