Poor Ambie

Poor Poor Ambie!  She was moving into her first apartment in Utah.  She got locked out and tried to climb to her apartment on the third floor.  She made it to the top...but upon realizing that she was locked out there too...she attempted to climb down.  It didn't end so well...

After a fast fall 3 stories down...she ended up with a shattered heel and ankle, a fractured tibia and fibula, two fractured bones in her spine, staples in her head and probably a very bruised ego!  :)  My heart just aches for her!

After all was said and done...she ended up at the University of Utah Hospital.  Her heel and ankle were too swollen for x-rays and surgery...so they began in on her cute right leg.  Apparently, her tibia and fibula bones were bowing and they had to put in all kinds of screws and bins to correct it.  Looks so painful!  But she was a trooper! She's scheduled next week for her surgery on her heel.

She looks thrilled to have me taking pictures doesn't she?!!  She's in a large brace from her hips to her neck and has a cast from the very top of her right leg to the bottom.  Here the Physical Therapy Nurse is helping her learn to walk up and down the stairs.

She conquered it like a champ!

I feel so bad for my sweet little Ambie.  Always willing to do anything and everything for anyone else.  She drops everything just so she can watch our kids and stay with Pup when we are out of town.  She's constantly lending me her shoes, clothes and bringing me scensy candles just because.  It pains me to see her in so much pain and knowing the long road to recovery she will have to endure.  But I know she can do it!  She told me that as she hit the ground she heard clearly, "Everything happens for a reason."   She has taken that message in stride and I have yet to hear her complain.  She's staying positive and looking towards the future with hope.  She and my sweet mom are getting closer as Amber is realizing how much my mom actually does for her.  I know that despite all this rotten luck...good will come from it.  I sure love her and can't wait to make her go on a run with me!  :)  And by run I mean....a fast walk, because heaven knows you can't call what I do running!  :)  Good Luck Ambie!  :)

Earplugs BEFORE Evanston

Notice anything interesting about this picture??!!!

Look CLOSELY and you will notice the BIG orange earplugs!  We were on our way to Bear Lake and between all the constant whining, fighting, dog panting, wife-playing-on-her-phone-FUN....Coby just couldn't take one more second of our lovely family!  So, he did want any annoyed-and-can't-do-anything-about-it man would do in his situation...he put in his earplugs!  And there you have it...Earplugs BEFORE Evanston!

Kid goes to Kindergarten...

How could this have happened??!!!

Kid can't be old enough for Kindergarten...RIGHT?!!!

As much as I tried to convince him to just stay home with me and be my "little friend"...

This cute boy opted to ride the bus to school and out of my mommy life 1/2 a day Monday - Friday.

And there he goes...my baby!  My little friend is gone.  :(  I was super sad on Sunday about him leaving and he gave me his blue blankie and said, "Here Mom.  Blue Blankie will make you feel better.  Just hug him tight and if you need to cry you can...it's ok."  After he left and I came home and put Cole to bed...I saw his blue blankie and sort of lost it.  

Here's his classroom where he couldn't wait to find his seat and begin!

And there's his cute teacher, Mrs. Jeppson welcoming the class just before Kindergarten started. 

And he's Back!  Hallelujah!!  

It's interesting how fast time flies.  Bittersweet really!  On one hand, I'm super happy...but on the other I'm very aware that it's literally flying by and I don't really like it.  How could he be 5 years old already and starting Kindergarten?!!  He's been my little friend for the last 5 years and I've gotten pretty used to having him around me all the time.  He's super entertaining and funny and a good helper and listener (despite his CRAZY LOUD volume and constant need for Hot Coco!)  I'm sure going to miss him during the day.  But this will be good.  He'll get to learn lots of new things and if there is someone who has a love of learning, it's my Jaden! Mrs. Jeppson tested him and said that he's one of the brightest in the class and that he's definitely ready for Kindergarten.  I'm excited for the things he'll learn, the friendships he'll make, riding the bus and figuring out who he is.  While it's a little sad to watch him taking this big step...this is probably just what Cole and I need. Good luck Buddy!  You're going to do GREAT!  

Happy Birthday Vegas Style

Vegas...here we come!!

Sometimes Coby's jobs have fun perks that I get to tag along for...Mandalay Bay (my favorite hotel in Vegas)...Oh Ya!

We had a little time to kill before we could check in...so we headed straight for Cowabunga Bay after we got off the plane. ***NOTE*** - that's right...Cowabunga Bay passes work in Vegas too...but it's like 10 times as big with AWESOME slides!!

It was the perfect day!  Lots of Sunshine, NO LINES and we got to spend time hanging out and having fun!  Coby was so happy for "Vacation Tif" to join him in Vegas!  Apparently, she SO much more fun than "Mom" Tif!

Later that night we headed to a little appetizer dinner in an Irish Pub in the Mandalay Bay Casino.  Then we were off to see Vegas for a few hours!  First stop...The Hershey Store.  A Statue of Liberty made of delicious chocolate??!!  Oh, if I could have gotten around the guard watching it...I would have been in chocolate heaven!

Then we walked around and people watched...My Oh My there are some "interesting" people to see!  Boy am I glad for the life I have in good old Salt Lake City!  I know it can be kind of a bubble...but it's my bubble and I like it!

The next day we slept in, I got to hit the gym and then leisurely take my time and head out to the pool/beach with a good book!  I was able to read, and feel the warm sun on my legs and listen to what sounded like the waves rolling in all day.  Later that day Coby even took me to a thrift store...NEVER again in Vegas....not worth the drive!  And if you know me...you know Thrift shopping is one of my favorites!  

Usually, Coby's trips out of town consist of a few hours here or there, and I won't lie...the thought of being alone to do my own thing was great...but being alone for most of the day on your birthday isn't that exciting!  :) I did, however, love all the birthday texts and messages throughout the day.  That was fun!  But, being alone made me realize how much I missed the chaos! In his defense, when he wasn't in meetings we were living the Vegas high life and I was loving it!  I think what I loved most was just being with Coby.  He's my best friend and there is no one I'd rather be with.  It was a short little trip, but lots and lots of fun!  

Thanks for taking me to Vegas sweetie!  It was a GREAT Birthday trip!  And Thanks Lady for watching over our little monkeys!  

Just waiting....

Be still my heart...

Here's Jaden waiting for Corbin to come home from school.  It's only been a day since Corb went back...and after constantly asking me, "How much longer until Corbin is home?", here he sits and waits.

And despite all the constant teasing, he absolutely ADORES Corbin!  I would give anything to see what he would have been like with Jack in the picture.  Would they all have been close?  I believe they would have.  Someday we'll all be back together again and no one will be waiting for anyone to come back home.  But until then...be still my heart.  Don't grow up little boy.  

It's official...he's a 4th grader

I'm not exactly sure how this happened....but....

My Corbi-Mac-a-doodle is an official 4th Grader!!  

I'm so exciting for him to start this new grade.  He's made a few really great friends at school and his Teacher (Mrs. Flannery) is AWESOME!  She's a sports fanatic...so I'm sure they will get along just GREAT!

11 Years of Happy!

Happy 11 Years of Happy to my Best Friend!

I don't know how I got so lucky to have this sweet, wonderful and amazing guy all to myself for eternity!!

 Tonight Coby took me To Market Street Grill.  Where we had a delicious Fish dinner.

 It was seriously SO yummy!

 And then came the dessert....homemade strawberry Ice Cream!   

 And Coby's favorite...creme brulee!

 Then it was off to see Wicked at Capital Theater downtown with some of our good friends.

Cam and Amy along with their hubbies got tickets last year with us.  This is by FAR my FAVORITE musical of all time!  We saw it for the first time on Broadway in NY in 2005 when I preggers with Corbin.  I've seen it 3 times and it has always left me breathless at different times.  The music is beyond amazing!  It was really fun to go with Cam and Ames.  I just love these girls!

 I love this man more than anything in the world!  He's my everything!  He's so amazing that for the first few years of our marriage I use to have a re-occuring dream that he just wasn't real and that I had made him all up in my head.  I would wake up feeling sad, and then I would feel his hand next to me and a feeling of relief and complete joy would fill my heart.  

 He's always patient, kind and will hold my hand in our special way even while he's sleeping.  He loves me unconditionally.  He is forgiving...always forgiving and to this day...I don't know what I'd do without him!

He truly is my double rainbow!  I love you Monster!  Happy Anniversary!

Panic

I love this little boy SO much!!!

Today we had a little scare.  Cole loves to play inside the Enclave.  He loves to walk around in back of the car, climb over the seats, push buttons and sometimes just get into his carseat and point to the Ipad in hopes of watching a movie.  It's summer and so letting him play in the car makes me nervous...but as long as I'm with him and the doors are open, I'm okay with it.  I always leave the hatch open, but today I left the driver's side door open and Cole's door open.  As I was sitting in the driver's seat taking a follow up call from the dental insurance person, I noticed that Cole has somehow locked the doors.  I tried to push the unlock button, but for some reason, it didn't work.  I had a thought that I must have left the keys in the car and would need to find them to unlock them.  I glanced around to find them, and assumed that they must be in the backseat someplace and that I'd find them in second.  I had to run into the house to grab a pen so I could write down some information from the insurance lady.  Without thinking, I must have pushed Cole's side door closed, leaving Cole and the driver's side door open.  I ran into the house, grabbed the pen and ran back out to the car.  In that span of a few seconds, Cole had managed to close the driver's side door.  It didn't dawn on me until after I hung up with the lady a few minutes later, that Cole was locked inside the car.  And while it was not terribly hot inside the car because it had been in the garage, it was still summer.  And it was still hot.  I called Coby and during the phone call realized that he didn't have the spare keys...they were lost.  And then it really hit me...Cole is trapped and I don't know what to do.  I was completely alone and that's when the real panic started to set in.  I immediately tried EVERYTHING I could to get him to unlock the doors from pushing the button to pulling up the lock.  Nothing worked.  I said a prayer.  I prayed like crazy begging the Lord to help me and not let this end like Jack.  Coby came home and tried his best to open the car, but nothing worked.  I finally called OnStar in hopes of them opening the car door, but since we didn't renew our contract with them...there was nothing they could do.  So, they called 911 for us. The police got there and unlocked the door in a second.  Coby grabbed our sweet, hot and sweaty little boy out of the car and squeezed him tight.  Then I snatched him away and held him close.  So grateful that he was okay.

Now, this may sound a bit over dramatized, but I was scared.  We could have easily have just broken a window and rescued him ourselves.  I could have called 911 the second I realized that I couldn't open the door.  But I panicked.  Part of me started reliving that "day" in September almost 6 years ago that changed our lives forever.  I didn't want to face Coby and see his look of disappointment.  He doesn't usually ever give me a look like that...but I've seen it.  And I don't EVER want to be on the receiving end of it.  It can literally shake me to my core.  I know how lucky I am that he loves me enough to forgive me for that horrible day 6 years ago and hold my hand and carry on. He loved Jack as much as I did and still do.  How he could even look at me afterwards is sometimes still hard to believe.  He could have hated me.  But he chose not to, and instead hold my hand through it all. I struggle with this alot.  I blame myself.  I live with the guilt every day.  I won't allow myself to truly feel the depths of that despair because I know where those feelings come from and I know that they are unnecessary.  They can do no good.  They only bring pain and who likes pain....Satan.  I've allowed myself to visit those depths once...and I vowed NEVER to return there again.  But I also know that while we have lost a child...we are NOT exempt from losing another.  I know it's a possibility and I pray that the good Lord in his judgement won't ever ask us to do it again.  And if He does, that it's not on my watch.  I don't know that we could recover....that I could recover from it.  

Coby wants another baby and I really don't want to go through another pregnancy again.  My reasoning is 100% completely selfish because I know.....I really do KNOW,  that we have a little girl up there.  I know because I used to dream about her.  Coby's even seen her in the temple shortly before we met (she was a cute little girl with blond hair that threw her arms around his neck in the celestial room and said, "Hurry Daddy!")  I know she's there.  The Lord has confirmed it, as well as Jack.  But my real reasoning for not wanting more children...I'm scared that I'll fail as a mother.  I'm scared that I can't handle more than I already have.  And then I'm reminded that I couldn't even keep Jack because of my deficiencies as a mother.  (Again...I know where those feelings come from.)  But when the chaos of three boys get to me and things like having Cole get locked inside the car on a summer day or Jaden running onto 13th West at 5pm rush hour (both at 20 months old ironically) ... I begin questioning how capable I really am.  These little boys mean more to me than anything in this whole world.  I would walk through fire for them and jump in front of a train to spare them without thinking twice.  But the more pressure I feel to have one more...one more c-section, one more recovery, 1 more year of up all nights....the more scared I become.  I'm already a nervous wreck every time Corbin is 2 minutes later walking home from the bus stop (literally 6 houses away).  Part of me doesn't want them to do anything that may have a bad and in my head, irreversible outcome.  I know that I can't shelter them and I have to let them learn and grow through trials and mistakes, but it is SO hard for me.  Losing Jack has really made me gradually turn into a crazy control freak.  It's really become a problem especially in the past year and a half.   I have to have things a very specific way...MY way.  Cleaning the house is a huge problem for me and really for Coby any time we leave town because I want it spotless....I'm talking clean baseboards clean.  I'm so bad with accepting change and accepting new things.  I don't like that this is the person I am becoming.  I don't want to be the kind of person that acts like this...especially to my family....the ones I love more than life!  I want to change this...I just don't know how.  I don't even know where to start.  I wonder if I should have gotten more help after we lost Jack.  Is it too late?  Will I always feel broken?  I sometimes feel like my life is spinning out of control and no one can even see it.  I feel broken.  I feel incapable.  I sometimes feel completely alone. I feel overwhelmed and don't know how to fix my problem.  I want to scream that I need help...but feel like no one can even hear me. 

Please understand that most days are NOT like the last paragraph...but when scary things happen...that scared, crazy neurotic Tif immerses.  I don't like her and I wish she would go away....maybe when "someday" comes....she'll disappear forever!

Happy Birthday Mac-Attack

Happy Birthday to this handsome little stud!

 I can't believe he's 9!!!  Where on Earth has the time gone??!!  It feels like a few months ago that he joined our family.  

 He loves to be active in all sorts of ways!  Be it on his scooter or skateboard at the skatepark...

 Golfing his his dad and Pooch...

Snowboarding...

 Doing flips on a trampoline...

 And even shooting a BB gun at Bear Lake!

 I love this crazy firecracker of  a kid! 

 He wants to be like his dad more than I could ever say.  He's Coby's buddy at Jazz games...

 Mountain Biking...

 Hitting the slopes...

 But he's most known for being a goofball....and as you can see he has an admirer!

 And as much as Corbin teases Jaden (who coincidentally is flipping the camera off), they still snuggle like this most nights. 

 He's always willing to sit down and play with Cole...in between all the teasing!

 Jasmine has a special little place in his heart and he always finds her and rubs her little puppy ears!  She LOVES every second!

 This year for Corbin's birthday, he chose the present over the party.

 Coby find him a Samsung Tablet.  And he couldn't have been more thrilled!  ***YIPPEE....another electronic....*** 

 Since Cobe's and Corb's birthdays are only 3 days apart, they usually share a cake.  I didn't have a 9...so we had to improvise with a 7 and a couple of start candles!  :)  Corb was a little quicker at blowing his candles out and I couldn't seem to catch him blowing them out fast enough!

I sure love this Corb-Mac-a-Doodle!  He does a GREAT deal of teasing...but when he's not doing that, he's such a GREAT kid!  He's sensitive, kind, witty, funny, smart and very determined when puts his mind to something.  He does NOT like germs of any kind and is frequently washing his hands.  He won't drink or eat after anyone...which is smart, and also a little annoying!  He has a tender heart and does NOT like when I drop the occasional swear word.  He loves to read Diary of a Wimpy kid books.  He loves to play football and is constantly asking to play competitive football.  He is a natural at sports and they seem to come pretty easy for him.  He sometimes seems a little too focused on money and how much things cost or how much money he can earn by doing certain chores.  He usually spends his money before it's even in his hands, but is happy to share his profits with his little brothers and friends.  He HATES emptying the dishwasher more than any other job!  He likes to run and is always asking me to set up the treadmill.  He has the STINKIEST feet EVER!  He doesn't like to wear his winter coats and would rather wear basketball shorts and a hoodie.  He's GREAT in Math and spelling.   I always get compliments on how well behaved he is at other people's houses.  I was told by another mother that she overheard Corbin standing up for her son in a situation that he could have sat idly by.  That touched my heart.  When he cries...he tries his best not to show it by blinking alot.  He has such a HUGE heart.  He looks up to his dad more than anyone, loves golfing with his Poochie and misses his Poppy terribly.  I am sure Jim is proud of him.  Happy Birthday buddy!  We love you so much and hope that age 9 will bring about lots of fun and adventures!

When it's kid #4

Ya....this happened tonight!  What's he doing you ask?  Well, he's eating sugar off the cement steps in Honey's backyard.  So...we did what any good parent would do...we took a picture!  :)  And that's how you know you are on kid #4!

Cowabunga Bay with my boys

This year we bought passes to Cowabunga Bay.

The boys are loving it! 

Cole can even go down waterslides....although...I'm not sure he LOVES them entirely yet!